tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37609979820312829492024-03-12T17:40:30.246-07:00Mistress of ImmodestyThose thoughts that you flinch from when you're overtired or wake up disoriented at 3 am...welcome to me all the time.Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-56226045716298007372013-07-24T09:51:00.000-07:002013-07-24T09:51:52.924-07:00Bambi, yodeling pickles and jail. Another average day.<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">....helloo?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Are you there, Internet? It's me, Moi.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm back! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Everyone rejoice and sing.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibYDuNaVf07_hs5di-H8_9KAoYXgJxjq1WyEDxgZutdSruhb6XbRxCXk0IvDBPS-HTdIR7gJSxnwwSaNq7CTXfYpdrO9zmycemVRskezVEyhxitTWA2uSrVFYV7h3Sne1HcijFpwmbQ_dN/s1600/yodeling+pickle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibYDuNaVf07_hs5di-H8_9KAoYXgJxjq1WyEDxgZutdSruhb6XbRxCXk0IvDBPS-HTdIR7gJSxnwwSaNq7CTXfYpdrO9zmycemVRskezVEyhxitTWA2uSrVFYV7h3Sne1HcijFpwmbQ_dN/s200/yodeling+pickle.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's a yodeling pickle.<br />It is what it is<br />No funny caption needed.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Normal- uh, run of the mill- um, just regular things have been happening since we last chatted. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi-<b>*grumble grumble* me belly is rumbling, offspring let's get some lunch</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Offspring- Okay, but only if you stop talking like Fat Bastard.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi-<b> But it makes me feel skinnier because people laugh, its when they narrow their eyes at me and nod that I'll stop</b>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">OS- Where do you want to eat?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi- <b>Swendy's sounds good. (See how I did that, little writers trick so no one knows what fast food joint I'm talking about. Impressive I know.)</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">OS- Mom, the cashier is waving you over.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Devils Minion- Dear, what can I get you? Dear..?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">OS- Mom, she's talking to you. What are you looking for back there?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi- <b>Bambi</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">OS- What the hel-</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">DM- Sweetheart, what would you like?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi- <b>*<i>muttering to OS</i>* She just called me a bitch.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">OS- She called you 'sweetheart.'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi- <b>You know how some people will call a giant 'Tiny' or a sumo wrestler ' Slim' or a bald man ' Goldilocks'? Well, I think everyone knows the opposite of 'sweetheart' is ' bitch'.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">OS-She doesn't know you well enough to realize that yet. Oh, and about that I don't think Dad likes being called Goldilocks.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic2EgsgzXl-_rkl5wf0lWUJlndEiyIGThZ-wRsKsmVEIvmjDrmA945G45vjYg_tf93W6oYDUMbkrEbmKCeg4tW0goYFByPuZJlupiiBJuat8ZpHaw5tHBEHFiSptIBNgVJGpKogLgZ_FCL/s1600/goldilocks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic2EgsgzXl-_rkl5wf0lWUJlndEiyIGThZ-wRsKsmVEIvmjDrmA945G45vjYg_tf93W6oYDUMbkrEbmKCeg4tW0goYFByPuZJlupiiBJuat8ZpHaw5tHBEHFiSptIBNgVJGpKogLgZ_FCL/s200/goldilocks.jpg" width="124" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What man wouldn't want to be named after me?<br />I like bears, eating numerous bowls of food and naps.<br /></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi-<b> HE LOVES THAT! I know 'cause every time I call him that in front of his friends he sucks in his lips to hold back a smile and clenches his hand into a fist to keep from caressing my cheek.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">OS- Yeah, you're not reading that body language right at all but just go order because you're holding up the line.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">DM- Honey, you ready to order now? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi- <b>Holyshi-here, OS, hold my earrings 'cause she is asking for-</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">OS- -YES, we would like two hamburgers plain with bacon.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">DM- What else would you like, Darlin'?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi- <b>Did my ex husband send you?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">DM- Excuse me?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">OS- That's everything, thanks. Mom, just go try and find us an empty table.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi-<b>*Jeez, they are all dirty, what kind of people work-*</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Angel of Swendys- Here, let me clean off this table for you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi- <b>Why thank you. I really need to sit down and relax.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Devil in Disguise- No problem, honey bunch.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">...</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwiD8vwPxb0MzOcfqwgaFpCxXXh2S4KpIS8XBJph54GdHaWXrbv9GjGwqn9DMEO2y5dbAhle00VSENdRn_RCDpOXDrhSVDHUbcwWoPhQGWM9QsT_kbRHLerlKX_7gvboHR4qJjlQPsizb4/s1600/rageface.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwiD8vwPxb0MzOcfqwgaFpCxXXh2S4KpIS8XBJph54GdHaWXrbv9GjGwqn9DMEO2y5dbAhle00VSENdRn_RCDpOXDrhSVDHUbcwWoPhQGWM9QsT_kbRHLerlKX_7gvboHR4qJjlQPsizb4/s200/rageface.jpg" width="192" /></a></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi-T<b>his place is awesome for lunch. We have to come back on Wednesdays 'cause I heard that's when they have fried chicken.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">OS- Yeah, who knew that jail was the place to do lunch.</span><br />
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<br />Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-77919538613568359082013-05-10T19:16:00.000-07:002013-05-10T19:16:09.709-07:00Aaayup...Canadian speak for being chalk full of emotion.<br />
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<b><i>Moi, you just got married!!!</i></b></div>
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Aayup<span style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></div>
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<b><i>You must have tons of things to write about in your blog??!</i></b></div>
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Aayup.</div>
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<i>C<b>an't wait!!!!</b></i></div>
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Aayup<span style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></div>
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...</div>
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<b><i>.....soooooo, what are you going to write about first?</i></b></div>
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...um</div>
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<b><i>Yeeess??</i></b><br />
<b><br /></b></div>
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...uhh</div>
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<b><i>I know, how about all the crazy family requests and millions of questions and wedding demands they must have?</i></b></div>
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Start of crazy family questions and demands.</div>
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Mother to Moi- What time do you want us there?</div>
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Moi to Mother- 6:30</div>
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Mother to Moi- ok</div>
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End of crazy family questions and demands.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><i>Oh, okay. Well, then all the zillions of details you had to handle for those couple of days before the wedding.</i></b></div>
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Start of zillion of details to handle</div>
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Moi to Chinese restaurant- I'll have MooGooGuy pan, five egg rolls, Cantonese chow mein..oh, just sec.</div>
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Hey, wedding planner, florist, decorator and photographer did you want anything to eat?</div>
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No? Too busy doing everything for me? Cool.<br />
..and some Schezwuan noodle. Hmm..no, just for one person.</div>
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End of zillion of details to handle.</div>
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<b><i>Really? Well, the prep part of the day of the wedding is always so stressful. The term for Bridezilla wasn't coined as a title for Godzilla part 7.</i></b></div>
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Start of stressful wedding prep</div>
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Pick up Chai Latte, notice the Art Gallery is open, roam around there for an hour, take a nap.</div>
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End of stressful wedding prep.</div>
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<i>(PS Would totally see that movie by the way. Wonder what kind of dress it would wear, a-line would probably suit her shape.)</i><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqXLY3Kq4xulL5_fRiG0DAUG3Xx9ZKxaCQiG2hGmtevtfT-AapCpxPDgZ-r9O4_0Q_-ZfpSIfxT5UgsjDHuuLV4_-GKpWb_IhQ8BDNUMPdmGiyyJf_4kEkSWJSYJsc9K3PBdNkYaYGWlYa/s1600/dinosaur.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="149" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqXLY3Kq4xulL5_fRiG0DAUG3Xx9ZKxaCQiG2hGmtevtfT-AapCpxPDgZ-r9O4_0Q_-ZfpSIfxT5UgsjDHuuLV4_-GKpWb_IhQ8BDNUMPdmGiyyJf_4kEkSWJSYJsc9K3PBdNkYaYGWlYa/s200/dinosaur.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You didn't actually expect to see me in my dress before the wedding?<br />I'm a lady, y'all.<br />By the way what's your address and its not because I want to come and stomp you later.<br />Nopenopenope, a lady wouldn't do that.</td></tr>
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<b><i>You must have saved all the emotion for the big walk down the aisle, right..you must have gotten a little worked up at some point, didn't you? The music begins, everyone stands , looking at you with misty eyes when all you see is your groom beaming with pride as you slowly walk down the aisle.</i></b></div>
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<b><i>Surely that must have made you a little bit verklempt?</i></b></div>
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Is having to pee considered an emotional response? There was definitely liquid in the old eyeballs as I had to pee so bad that my eyes were floating. </div>
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Other people cry, I threaten the dryness of my granny panties. <br />
Desperation at having to pee is an emotion.</div>
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<b><i>Jazus chr-</i></b></div>
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Now the ceremony..</div>
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<b><i>Finally, I knew somewh-</i></b></div>
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The Frenchmen's drunk buddy in the back was yelling out 'At a boy Cookie!' every two minutes. Then his other buddy was telling him to 'Shut the hell up!' in a whisper Deep Throat would have been proud of. Anger is an emotion.</div>
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<b><i>That's not the kind of emo-</i></b></div>
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Then when we were saying our vows I was a little bit choked up until the justice of the peace said the line about 'for richer or poorer'. I got her to repeat that one as I didn't think we were supposed to lie in the ceremony but since I said it with a wink it should hold up in a court of law. Laughter is an emotion.</div>
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(Not that we will ever need one , my dear Frenchmen, you're my favourite husband ...so far..mmwaah)</div>
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<b><i>But Moi, I meant -</i></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">It made the drunk guy stop yelling 'At a boy Cookie!'...of course then he started yelling 'RunCookieRun'. Drunken panic is an another emotion.</span></div>
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<b><i>Moi-</i></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">OH, how about when the wedding coordinator was resewing the material over my boob as the boning (as it was only one should I say a 'boner'?)was poking me and just when she was biting the thread off with her teeth right against the boobage material my eldest offspring walked in and promptly jumped back out again. Utter embarrassment is an emotion. </span></div>
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<b><i>Never mind, I give up.</i></b><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Hey, people gave us lots of money as gifts so we appreciated that.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">That's a normal emotion, appreciation.</span><br />
<br />
<b><i>Actually, it kind of is. Good for you, Moi. I think you finally realise what a wedding is all ab-</i></b><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Didn't really appreciate all the paper cuts in those hard to put a band aid on it places that we got after going all bedonkadonk on top of the money though.</span><br />
<br />
<b><i>Good night Moi.</i></b></div>
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Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-49187741695951681442013-04-04T11:38:00.004-07:002013-04-04T11:40:08.620-07:00Maybe I'd look good in stripes...and be known as Jingleheimerschmidts ex.<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">*ring.. ring*</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">♪<b>Doobeydoobey doo♪</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">*ring.. ring*</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">♪Doobeydoo-</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Provincialcourthouse!'</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Oh, hi! How are you?</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Yeah, can I help you?'</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Oh, sorry, I was calling about getting a copy of my divorce decree as I'm getting re-married in two weeks.'</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Yeah, name?'(#1)</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Moi.'</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'His name?'(#1)</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'John' (It's not but it helps my story.)</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Yeah, and you're sure you are divorced?'</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'I'm guessing my ex's current wife hopes so...Bwahahaha*snort*..'</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">....(tumbleweeds a blowing)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Um, anyways, yes I'm sure as I had a copy of it before.'</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Yeah, well then why do you need another copy of it?'</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi's inner voice- 'I'm papering my dungeon with it so 'he' will have a reminder to look at for the next 40 years.'</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi's boring outer voice-' I lost it while moving.'</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Your name and spelling?' (#2)</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'M - O- I.'</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'His name and spelling?' (#2)</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi's inner voice-'Arsehole Vonprobablyaherpescarrier.'</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi's outer voice- 'John'</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">*Tapitytapitytapity*</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Yeah, you sure you got married here?</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi's IV- I think it will be my third wedding before I'm too drunk to remember the location.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi's OV- (Hush, IV)Yes.</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> *Tapitytapitytapity*</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Yeah, you're sure it's John?'(#3)</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi's IV- 'I'm sure because there was already another Arsehole Vonprobablyherpescarrier in town, so to avoid confusion we went with John.'</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi's OV-'I'm sure because there was already another Ars-(stop Moi, take a breath and cool down.), yep I'm sure it's John.'</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">*Tapitytapitytapity*</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Yeah, what year were you divorced?'</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'You know I'm unsure but I think it was either 96 or 97.'</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b>
*tapity*</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Nope, it's not 96.'</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Okaaay....?'</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'So I can't find anything.'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">One minute pause as I recite all the reasons why I can't go to jail for hurting this person.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">1. I heard they use cheap toilitries in the 'big house', and I cant go without my leave in conditioner.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">2. Doubt if they serve weight watchers meals in there.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">3. SCAREY BITCHES BE ALL UP IN MY BIZNESS</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">4. I don't like the idea of not being able to have complete control over the remote control.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Could you try 97?'</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b>
*Tapi-*</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'What's his name again?'(#4)</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'....John.'</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'And your is..?'(#3)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(Jazusmarynjoseph!)</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Moi, M..O..I.'</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">*Tap*</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Yeah, I still can't find it on the computer, (knock knock) oh, hold just a second.'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Yeeeessss?</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Are you busy? There is someone here to see you.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Nooo, I'm not doing anything</span></i><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">MOTHERFUCK-?</span></b><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Helloooo, how are you? Have a seat I'll be with you in one second.</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Yeah, anyways I can't find anything on the computer'.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'What's the name again?'(#5)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'M....O....I.'</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'And what's his name again, John was it?What's his last name again?'(# that IV takes over)</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi's IV- 'Jingleheimerschmidt, middle name Jacob. The m in Schmidt is silent.'</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi's OV- 'Jingleheimerschmidt, middle name Jacob. The m in Schmidt is silent.'</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(We've merged in mutual hate.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Yeah, is 'heimerschmidt' all together or hyphenated?'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(<b>Rethinking the spray in conditioner, would be able to make do with 2in1 shampoo/conditioner if I had to</b>.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Yeah, I can't find anything here so I'll have to call you back, Toi.'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">'Goodbye.'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>NONO, MY NAME ISN'T-</b>click<b>- Toi....AAARGHHH!</b></span><br />
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<br />Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-74284273770088288652013-02-06T12:30:00.000-08:002013-02-06T12:30:08.934-08:00Men's junk, Great Dane's giving birth and Rocky...new names for Ben & Jerry's? Or just my mind.<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Ok</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I've been away.</span><br />
<i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(Moving to the other side of the bed doesn't count as 'away', Moi)</span></b></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Okay then, I've been busy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><b>(Watching a Great Dane give birth on line doesn't count either. (</b></i><i><b>um..ewww by the way,</b></i><i><b>)</b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">*Cough, cough* I 'm just getting over a bad..</span><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(Don't even try it, if everyone had a sample of your blood you'd probably cure the common cold.)</span></i></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Anyhoo</b>, I'm back and being a hermit hasn't stopped me from getting into stupid situations and then handling them so they turn into ever stupider situations.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You are all welcome for making you seem brilliant in comparison.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My bill will arrive in the mail in 3-10 days.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">10:59 AM</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Moi</b>- Holy crow, the snow! I have to clear out this driveway. Geez, all the neighbours have their snow blowers out.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Pshaaw! Lazy arses.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm going to get rid of this pesky snow using a shovel and some good old fashioned sweat. (<i>Obnoxious ten seconds of standing on top of snowdrift with hand on hip and waving shovel majestically in the air then reenacting Rocky top of the stairs dance.</i>)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">11:01 AM</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Goddamnfreakin'whiteshit! Does it ever end? My feet are numb, is that a sign of a stroke or digerydoo disease?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">NONONO,get away you stupid snow plow! If you freaking fill in the end of my driveway again, I'll...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">GODDAMNIT, A POX ON YOUR FIRST BORN ASSHOLE!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(Why the third born you ask, because I'm the third born and we all know how freaking adorable I am.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">77 yr old neighbour comes over with his snow blower just after the wind retraces a shovelful of snow back onto my face.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>NB</b> - Snow, eh Moi?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Moi's inner voice</b>- Nope, just a bad coke habit.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Moi's outer voice</b>- MWAHAHAHAHAHAH, YEAH! (<i>Yeah, both voices are scary in their own way</i>.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>NB</b>-I can come over after finishing this neighbour's driveway and blow you out if you like.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Moi's inner voice</b>-Heheh, he said he wants to blow me...no Moi, don't start.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Moi's outer voice</b>- WOW, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME! (<i>Snow blower is loud plus I have 3 hats on so I'm feeling all shouty.</i>) NICE SNOW BLOWER YOU GOT THERE.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>NB</b>- Nah, it's just a piece of junk. Us men seem to have a lot of junk, ready for anything.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Moi's inner voice</b>- I love men's junk! *snort*. Imagine if I said...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Moi' outer voice</b>- I LOVE MEN'S JUNK, HAHAH...(<i>oh,noooononononooo</i>.) I MEANT I LOVE YOUR JUNK..(<i>worseworseworse</i>). NOTJUSTYOURJUNKALLMENSJUNK...( <i>my god,someonestopmepleassse)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm not quite sure what happened after that, either I blacked out or I just ran into the house laughing maniacally. All I know is that </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I have one more neighbour in the 'pretending not to recognise me' category and</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> my driveway has been blown. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(Have decreed that the driveway will now be named 'Chuck' just so I can have conversations like this with The Fiance.)</i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>TF</b>- What ya doin'? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Moi</b>- Nothing much, just watching Chuck get blown in the front yard.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>TF</b>- Sorry?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Moi</b>-No, he doesn't look sorry. Both him and the neighbour 'Carl' look quite content.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>TF</b>- No, I meant...wait, what's going on in the front yard?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Moi</b>- Chucks getting blown by Carl.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>TF</b>- WTF!! Moi, if you're just messing with me again...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Moi</b>- Oops! Got to go. Carl is done with Chuck now, so have to go thank him as it takes a lot of pressure off of me. Toodles!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>TF</b>- Mooiii - click-</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On the normal side of things, I'm having a couple of short stories being publishedpublishedpublishedPUBLISHED(<i>Odd, my computer keeps wanting to repeat that word.</i>) in an anthology titled PEI Writes Anthology 2013.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You can pick one up for 4 milllioooooon dollars (<i>I have no idea where</i>), for like $10 for the book <i>(to be given to I don't know who) </i>and the rest as a plea for me to never write again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">If $3,999,990 isn't in my account I will take that as a sign that I am to keep writing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Chat soon</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(<i>But there is another Great Dane due soo..</i>)</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi5ffqV7OosBGAWv_yT5XMKtI-VzX5G-iKNopzDTHKdtk0eujeiJwwDyU8_sdmMDgAeIMhK18cZdsWf10cec38nhTsikOZi0P1bibkqo1knDNCVcXdfd66KUi2vDo-lYml3k9fOsEafvgp/s1600/file0001855273681.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi5ffqV7OosBGAWv_yT5XMKtI-VzX5G-iKNopzDTHKdtk0eujeiJwwDyU8_sdmMDgAeIMhK18cZdsWf10cec38nhTsikOZi0P1bibkqo1knDNCVcXdfd66KUi2vDo-lYml3k9fOsEafvgp/s320/file0001855273681.jpg" width="211" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't look at me, I'm not the dad. I never met that bitch, I mean I meet a lot of bitches but bitches are like... bitches, ya know.<br />
(Besides man, she is like huge!)</td></tr>
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<span id="goog_1159334028"></span><span id="goog_1159334029"></span><br />
Hush...uh, chat soon.<br />
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<br />Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-83386498561488391432012-11-16T13:50:00.000-08:002012-11-16T13:50:41.920-08:00A broken boob , Corey Hart and planning a wedding. Back to bed, say I.<br />
I'm a 40 yrs old teeney bopper.<br />
Aaaand I'm getting married...again.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYWAMg0d7nd3V6bYbHy6hLR6aHHa40Ndm7U0MhSrJOSjWfmtqcllD3f-6ZBQBOxFkJSyhEpIHv3HoPhlhhkfT85PHwicqGrtXnJXlKZG3_FFeoegiDmz3jXrJ4dP7I0c1kNECeddy6Ki1D/s1600/cheerleader.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYWAMg0d7nd3V6bYbHy6hLR6aHHa40Ndm7U0MhSrJOSjWfmtqcllD3f-6ZBQBOxFkJSyhEpIHv3HoPhlhhkfT85PHwicqGrtXnJXlKZG3_FFeoegiDmz3jXrJ4dP7I0c1kNECeddy6Ki1D/s200/cheerleader.jpg" width="156" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yaaaay..oh, wait are you one of those religions who don't own a mirror?<br />'Cause lady, you is old.</td></tr>
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As we all know, a wedding is all about who looks the best and who gives the best gifts.<br />
Just like a marriage is all about who out lasts the other and gets the other's stuff.<br />
<b>(I started putting little red stickers on his stuff the minute I said 'what eva'" when he proposed.)</b><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Unh unh unh...don't give me any of that romance and love crap.<br />
If I want romance I'll get it where any normal girl does.<br />
In the Fire Swamp amongst the Rodents of Unusual Size.<br />
11 1/2 points for the person who doesn't know what movie that is from.</td></tr>
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The frenchmen and I have been together for 16 years and raised two kids.<br />
Romance for us is a day when I get his name straight or remember his birthday.<br />
<b>(You would think I would remember his birthday then wouldn't you? Now myself, I have a birthday week and hell hath no fury if the world doesn't correspond with that.)</b><br />
I'm sorry what were we talking about?<br />
Oh, yes getting married.<br />
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<br />
Since a lot of the people who were at my first wedding will be at my second naturally they will be comparing how I looked then compared to no-..<br />
<br />
<b>"No, no Moi, they'll just be filled with love and well wishes and won't even noti-"</b><br />
<b>"</b>Excuse me<b>?"</b><br />
<b>"Really, most people go to weddings and they'd be hard pressed to tell you any details about what the bride even wor-"</b><br />
" 7 "<br />
<b>"Sorry?"</b><br />
<b>"</b>7 missing crystals on the left side of the dress and two minute spots of red clay on the right side of her 9 1/2 foot train. Plus she must have had extra deodorant on because some transferred to her dads tux when he walked her down the isle<b>"</b><br />
<b>"Oh"</b><br />
"By the way, is that part of the design of your shirt that you have two spots of deodorant on it and a missing button or should I not be pointing that out?<br />
<b>"...never mind Moi, go back to your story."</b><br />
"Thank you"<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
ANYHOO...<br />
<br />
Since the whole wedding day revolves around me and how I look I decided that certain lady parts needed to be spruced up a bit.<br />
<br />
<b>Just reread that last sentence and realized I sounded like I might be wearing a crotchless wedding dress...which we all know is reserved for the fourth wedding.</b><br />
<b>Hey, wedding dress wow factors get harder to achieve the more we wear them so a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
I decided to go to a personal trainer for just one day a week.<br />
Being the competitive person I am I lied about how fit I am.<br />
He used a lot of odd terms that I didn't understand like isotonic, fartlek training (*giggle* sorry!) and over training.<br />
I being the brilliant person that I tell you all I am, just nodded along and did what ever he said.<br />
He started telling me about a chest exercise involving lifting barbells when his phone rang.<br />
<br />
<b>"Go ahead Moi, start those chest exercises. I'll be done of this call in a minute."</b><br />
"Alrighty then"<br />
I stared at the barbell, then stared at my chest, shrugged and got to work.<br />
<b>" Yeah, dude, I totally powered out 25 reps of 275...JAZUSHCHRIST! IGOTTAGOMAN!</b><br />
<b>WHATTHEHELLAREYOUDOING?</b><br />
"What? You said it was an exercise for my chest so I just assumed..."<br />
<b>"How did you even get them to fold over like th- you know what, I don't really want to know?"</b><br />
<br />
Needless to say I broke my boob.<br />
Trainer boy tried to use fancy terms like pulled tendons, ligaments and mindless moron but to put it simply I broke my boob for a wedding dress.<br />
It sounds kind of odd when I say it so with me being an 80's girl maybe I should put it into song.<br />
</div>
See, I was born in the 70's but aside from wishing I was a boy for a year so I could ride Black Beauty('cause I'm guessing I thought the wee willy wanker had special powers for steering back then) I don't remember much about that decade.<br />
The 80's though is burned into my memory.<br />
Every breath I took went into squealing Stings name when he sang that famous song.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-YCWrjc44210e5yHKfmfNfXiO2QHQE2fQ3rIyH61dcQ1mmXiAQjD3BknE_Btq_PvVYTC2VHKxrdMj9VNXGMtMp6iSA_H_ApDDMIjhO3BQ0XTh1zskP8tKDhzHjOspr6S1Q-kol-UnMpjF/s1600/Every_Breath_You_Take.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-YCWrjc44210e5yHKfmfNfXiO2QHQE2fQ3rIyH61dcQ1mmXiAQjD3BknE_Btq_PvVYTC2VHKxrdMj9VNXGMtMp6iSA_H_ApDDMIjhO3BQ0XTh1zskP8tKDhzHjOspr6S1Q-kol-UnMpjF/s200/Every_Breath_You_Take.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Young self -Mom, isn't that song romantic?<br />
Mother to self- I think we will have to go over the whole psycho /stalker scenario again.<br />
Self- Okay, but first I promised that man in the black van that I'd help him find his lost puppy.<br />
<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
When Morton Harkett from Aha, was trying to beat his way out of that cartoon stanza, my heart was in my throat aka my vajayjay, like the rest of you girls with our wind defying bangs.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4YZTdqcGbRd5FOBc_AMljdnQRpe7Zz2CnRBvhsYqWtyp1_iTOBY2Mu3t3S9VYuXogvgfzaW-XJR4EFmM3f0sGXpzi8Tg2VOqEBO3XYcgl_IVs3IaJ1JBf3TizUXNFh4NYmca8Otam0huo/s1600/mortonh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="153" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4YZTdqcGbRd5FOBc_AMljdnQRpe7Zz2CnRBvhsYqWtyp1_iTOBY2Mu3t3S9VYuXogvgfzaW-XJR4EFmM3f0sGXpzi8Tg2VOqEBO3XYcgl_IVs3IaJ1JBf3TizUXNFh4NYmca8Otam0huo/s200/mortonh.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What are you doing up there?<br />
Just watching some videos, mom!<br />
You're been looking at them for four hours now.<br />
Mmmhmm...yup, you betcha yaaaa..ooooh yaaa.<br />
(Coincidentally I started smoking at the same time)<br />
<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
And I got many a bruised forehead from wearing my sunglasses at night, ♪so I can, so I caaaan ♪, look as cool as Mr. Corey Hart.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4E4WpJuavFQBqEztcsdZQRBBBy9NE_gJiqz4f6t0lq2uSjNmDENE7Y_5zUbyk46C56qfFh4qjm7vYQwknkjTbJCA9nw5-V0RSDu4b47fqinXE1lAoVGxIUBY-Agnbvbl07SO36aGA3ZfF/s1600/cory.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4E4WpJuavFQBqEztcsdZQRBBBy9NE_gJiqz4f6t0lq2uSjNmDENE7Y_5zUbyk46C56qfFh4qjm7vYQwknkjTbJCA9nw5-V0RSDu4b47fqinXE1lAoVGxIUBY-Agnbvbl07SO36aGA3ZfF/s200/cory.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Beside that fact that I Corey, am awesomely cool for wearing my sunglasses at night, my willy wonka is this big!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
I tried to think what 80's iconic song would best fit my painful chesticle saga.<br />
Of course Mr. Hart with his lovely pout (which I take as him saying 'Aww, poor Moi's chesticles")<br />
was the winner. I may have changed a word or two but the tune is the same.<br />
<br />
♪ I broke my boob last night, so I can, so I caaan, fit into a wedding dress I don't really want.<br />
Iiiit's deceiving me.<br />
Got my fat rolls tucked inside my v-ooops,<br />
Iiiit's deceiving me.<br />
I turn tothe mirror and saaaay♪<br />
<br />
♪I can't masquerade as a bridal maid, oh-no<br />
I'm forty yrs old<br />
And my cherry hasn't been saved, oh- no<br />
I don't remember<br />
But it's been a while since I got laid, oh-no.♪<br />
<br />
Okay, okay I am going to have to stop here as I'm supposed to be writing a short story for an anthology my writing group is doing.<br />
Some other writers are doing poems or short stories, while as usual I'm asking the gaggle of writers if 'crotchless' is spelled properly.<br />
I'm starting to think maybe something is wrong with the frenchmen for wanting to marry me.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-65630672739212882582012-11-03T13:06:00.001-07:002012-11-03T13:06:24.980-07:00♪ I just wrote this, you think I'm craaaazy, but don't call my number 'cause I'm way too laaazy'♪<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It's Fall now which means my writing group is starting up again. We take the summer off because surfing the net/Facebook/ not watching cat videos and writing for 7 minutes a day is <b> damn </b>exhausting. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So no more fooling around, getting butt in gear here on the 'Gentle Island'.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Blog interruption </span></i></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Can I just say that is the lamest slogan for a vacation spot ever.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i> </i><b>Let's go on vacation!</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Wife- Where do you want to go?</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Husband- How about Vegas, Sin City!</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">W-Or New Orleans, The Big Easy!</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">H-California, Surf City, USA sounds like fun too.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">W- Wait, I got the perfect place.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">H- Where?!</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">W- PEI, the Gentle Island.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">H- AWESOME! A gentle vacation! Let's go, oh did you pack my hand cream and my fancy loofah, honey? (said no husband ever)</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b>
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheXfPYYJgzGspykAmWhcOkMo_XemVxh7oe-FLM_ud_51-Y3VpbU6aQ72atfbZSmhncIAhhDDe5YY2AzHAgyr5aFxLrlJPM2iasB4FGh-NG1k0xN6EmcAEPEtzlgaQI-NvBcUdnVJUNVf8o/s1600/loofah.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheXfPYYJgzGspykAmWhcOkMo_XemVxh7oe-FLM_ud_51-Y3VpbU6aQ72atfbZSmhncIAhhDDe5YY2AzHAgyr5aFxLrlJPM2iasB4FGh-NG1k0xN6EmcAEPEtzlgaQI-NvBcUdnVJUNVf8o/s320/loofah.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Honey, these loofahs are great!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What's that?...you're not supposed to use them for ...but it really feels good on my... you use it where?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Ok, yeah you're going to have to buy a new one then.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /><i>
Back to irregularly scheduled blog. </i></span></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i></b>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The writer's group meets once a month at the Queen St. Commons. (We also have the Queen St. Fancy but we aren't... you know. )</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There was just four of us today but they are an amazing foursome.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Writer/ The Actor/ The Businesswoman</b> - as in she pays her mortgage with her earnings kind of writer. As in you could stick a memory stick in her ear while she sleeps and probably have about three different series started. (along with a little wax, hello!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Hey Moi(Mistress of Immodesty), let's get together to talk global warming and it's effect on goats."</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Okilydokily! What's a good day for you? I'm free..."</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Ummm, the rest of 2012 is pretty filled up for me. I have 4 books coming out, two screenplays, in a music video about goats and teaching a writing course at a school along with a couple of seminars on self publishing and world domination, so how's about mid spring 2013?"</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"...anyda...or next spring should be fine too. Let me just check my calender and get back to you."</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Publisher/ The Animal Whisperer/The Candy Sushi maker</b> - the girl who decides that she likes a book and it should be published. Then why doesn't she just become a publisher, set up a company and do that? Oh, okay she did just that.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(Note: I like toast and peanut butter but the PB is on the top shelf and I'd have to stretch to get it so ..meh. Since toast isn't the same without PB I'll just get back in bed and complain for an hour about how hungry I am....yeah, The Publisher and I are like two peas in a pod aren't we. Makin' an effort! Gettin' 'er done!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Hey Moi!"</span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Wuuuuz up?"</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Did you get that short story done for the writer's group anthology?"</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Hell no! Haven't even come up with an idea yet? You?"</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Noooo, same boat you're in. It's hard ya know...."</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"I know, isn't ...."</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"...when you have to complete two other short stories already started, beta read a bunch of other authors books plus have a book launch to organize for my award winning author AND make candy sushi. On the plus side I taught the injured parrot some geometry and the one legged snake is now kicking butt on the pogo stick."</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"...it, yeeeaahhhhh....sigh."</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Lawyer/Writer/Magic Pony </b>- from the little bit I understand she resolves crises, comes up with amazingly original book ideas all while floating around as a magic pony. Okay, one of those seems odd. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Fact checking commences...Bing! Finished.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Turns out she does resolve crises in a lawyer way. Check!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Her book sounds amazeballs, (which means awesome, mom) Check!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">AND she <b>is</b> a Magic Pony except she doesn't float, silly me, she FLY'S is all. At least according to her roller derby teammates who help her fly around the rink at craziness speeds.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Hey Moi!"</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Hey Toi!" (One third of foreign language dictionary is now been used up)</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"That was an interesting book launch the other ni...hold on, looks like a crises going on over there. Back in one second."</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"No problemo. I can entertain myself. Dooobedooo ♪I never met you, and this is craaazy, Matt Bomer ,here's my number, don't care if you're gay. It's hard to look right, aaaat you baaaby, but here's my numb...♪" (I have to come up with a second verse to that before I send it to Matt. I haven't noticed any official looking mail arriving yet, so I'll just keep sending him those lette...)</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlZwV2nEGjfla80fQkY1P_SaNZOb2M7eiSDnUPCpB7ms4oEJiYOzpysRSRYIMjuXnF4bz3FXVAj18Kp3tGHIvSyWGSH06PjGvytOrIQ6f71g80sP04ZBy3cOjr4bCIElPy9XgNq-XK5Cwm/s1600/uummm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlZwV2nEGjfla80fQkY1P_SaNZOb2M7eiSDnUPCpB7ms4oEJiYOzpysRSRYIMjuXnF4bz3FXVAj18Kp3tGHIvSyWGSH06PjGvytOrIQ6f71g80sP04ZBy3cOjr4bCIElPy9XgNq-XK5Cwm/s200/uummm.jpg" width="133" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moi, can I have your address so I can send you a letter back?<br />WHAT? YESYESYES...!!!!<br />HEREHERE, TAKEIT!!<br />Thank you...Sargeant, you can now mail that restraining letter.<br />Craaap.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"I'm back, sorry that took so long but..."</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"You were only gone for 3 minutes.."</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"...I had to set up a crises intervention back at the office, plus finish a conference call, send my book to my editor and do a video as Magic Pony for junior high girls to keep them focused on their inner strength. So what did you do while I was gone?"</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Oh, geez, where to start? First I...oh, phone's buzzing. Never stops, got to go chat soon.</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm looking around the table at them all as they busily type up their book, screenplay,sushi recipe, crises management skills and am amazed that I'm at the same table as them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I wonder what they think when they look at me?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<b>"Wish she would stop staring at us."</b><br />
<b>"I thought we were supposed to have the door locked with the lights off when she came a knocking?"</b><br />
<b>"I wonder if we can add our names to Matt Bomer's restraining order?"</b><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-30671983956333701942012-10-10T09:44:00.000-07:002012-10-10T09:44:12.993-07:00Freddy Mercury, sneezing pandas and men in slingshots. It's a good month!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Most people when asked what their favourite time of year is would normally reply Christmas time or summertime or Hammer time...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hey, it's a legitimate TIME. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Anyone who agrees with me, kisskiss I love you and you look skinny. Have you lost weight?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The rest of you please focus on the picture below for 30 seconds without looking away.</span><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbJOKKuG6mpZ4LZcIxabV6ee1FeD-wy1O8cp5f6IhBgPnRPD9XhGe-jPU8xk1HmFEEJSSLZZexPIt56gUhY8NCAyvnQp4k68oPgHMQ0e3BZekp_OfumSQCK-bmDIX24-sW8-kiONO6GlDG/s1600/slingshot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbJOKKuG6mpZ4LZcIxabV6ee1FeD-wy1O8cp5f6IhBgPnRPD9XhGe-jPU8xk1HmFEEJSSLZZexPIt56gUhY8NCAyvnQp4k68oPgHMQ0e3BZekp_OfumSQCK-bmDIX24-sW8-kiONO6GlDG/s200/slingshot.jpg" width="199" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That was your punishment, you are now going to have dreams about him for the next week. </td></tr>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Anyhoo like I was saying, I try to avoid answering that question because it just leads to more questions and phrases like '</span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">power of attorney</i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">' and '</span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">but doors that lock on the outside are a good thing, Mel </i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">' suddenly start getting thrown around.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So I decided today to just get it out in the open once and for all.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> <span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It is time for the best time of the year to begin.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b> I am Queen of All and All I Sayeth is the Trutheth</b> <span style="font-size: x-small;">month</span>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Freddy Mercury says - You goeth girl! Being a Queen rocks!!<br />Actually he would probably just be muttering 'brainzzz,brainzzz' cause he's dead and would only speak as he tries to munch on your head all zombie like.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So 'I am Queen of All' month has been kept in the downlow for a while now.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This too is an actual time you naysayers.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">No no no no, don't bother looking it up because it is only in the ' <i>we are too cute and funny to have to make sense</i> ' calender. Not the old '<i> I have wrinkles from boring old working and worrying about paying bills, not from laughing too much at baby panda's sneezing videos instead of looking for a job'</i> people calenders. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/FzRH3iTQPrk?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small;"> Hahahahhaha...*sniff* too cute! Sorry, there pops another cutie patootie wrinkle.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My fiance , the Frenchmen, says I should be putting 'decade' instead of 'month' but he is a member of the old wrinklyworrier group so he doesn't know any better.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You'll just have to take my word on it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small;">(It's okay, Frenchie I'll still hang out with you though.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"></span></div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I would tell you more about it right now but it is officially <i>Nacho with a sprinkling of blue cheese </i>(from being too old, not from being actual blue cheese) <i>day</i> and I have to be at the actual ribbon cutting ceremony. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">By ribbon I mean nacho bag and </span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">by cutting I mean ripping open with my teeth.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It's very stressful keeping all these ceremonies straight but since I'm the 'Queen' I have to suck it up and push ahead.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Will keep you updated on the following 34-93 days (see being the Queen I also get to decide how long a month is now. Sweet, right?) about various activities and events going on.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Just a sample of upcoming fun might include</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">How many days can I be in the same clothes 24/7 without anyone commenting week?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">and </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The old blind fold smelling contest of 'Which one is the actual dog?' For some reason this one usually follows the previous. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Go figure!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We usually end the month with my version of the Hunger Games but in my version you put two reality stars in a room and ...well, you'll see.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Let the Month begin and may the odds be...well, odd.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<br />
<br />Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-79315656138303542502012-09-20T20:12:00.001-07:002012-09-20T20:12:33.632-07:00So if I was wearing a shark suit with sunglasses in the desert at nighttime I'd be just fine?<div>
<b>Actual conversation between customer and Sunglasses shack employee.</b></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
I bought sunglasses here a little while ago.<div>
<div>
<i>Ok</i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
They were very expensive</div>
<div>
<i>Un hunh</i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
The screen on them seems to be falling off the lens.</div>
<div>
<i>Hmm!</i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
Is that normal?</div>
<div>
<i>Umm... let me think for a minute.</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Alrighty. </div>
<div>
<i>Let's see, do you wear them alot?</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Yes, when I'm outside.</div>
<div>
<i>So you wear them in direct sun light?</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Well ...yeeeah.</div>
<div>
<i>There's your problem.</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Sorry?</div>
<div>
<i>That's your problem. You see if you wear them in direct sun light the screen starts to erode.</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Whaaat?</div>
<div>
<i>If you wear them in the sun all the time, they start to erode.</i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
Let me get this straight.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>The. sun. is. destroying. my. sunglasses?</b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>Funny but irritating.</b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Same conversation at scuba shack except replacing sunglasses for a shark suit.</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I bought a shark suit here a little while ago.</div>
<div>
<i>Ok</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It was very expensive.</div>
<div>
<i>Un hunh</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The chainmail seems to be falling off.</div>
<div>
<i>Hmm!</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Is that normal?</div>
<div>
<i>Umm...let me think for a minute.</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Alrighty.</div>
<div>
<i>Let's see, do you wear it a lot?</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Yes, when I'm in the water.</div>
<div>
<i>So it get's wet?</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Well...yeaah.</div>
<div>
<i>There's your problem.</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Sorry?</div>
<div>
<i>That's your problem. If your wear your shark suit in water it deteriorates.</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Whaat?</div>
<div>
<i>If you wear your shark suit in water it starts to-</i></div>
</div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
<b>Well, you get what I mean.</b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>Painful but irritating.</b></div>
Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-16996914334286167062012-09-11T05:41:00.000-07:002012-09-11T05:41:24.214-07:00Pitt, Bolmer, Clooney and virginal underpinnings...how can your mind not let you read this?<br />
<br />
I know I have to put up a post but...<br />
I've been staring at this screen for about two hours, knowing it's time to give it up and nothing.<br />
<br />
Hmm, 'give it up'...remember when you were <strike>13</strike>, <strike>14</strike>,<strike>19 </strike>21 and decided it was time to finally <i>'give it up</i><i> for Christs Sake!'</i> but there was no one interesting enough to do it with.<br />
(The first time is really just to get it over with and have a good story to share with your girlfriends over drinks 10 years later.<br />
That and for the<b><i> 'mind altering pleasure his throbbing member gives to our virginal underpinnings!')</i></b><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigz5_9HpjDFagdcyYO0kYca42Q8hHOUs9PnPT2fcQz7Uwe4sGYUypS2228od5Xsc3DnrEog8OkG8ek-e3jFuwnks-uGPTRfin9EnrzcXlnGEwUoTwY4sA9kcsnb8IQspjepGGjfEP080J_/s1600/romance.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigz5_9HpjDFagdcyYO0kYca42Q8hHOUs9PnPT2fcQz7Uwe4sGYUypS2228od5Xsc3DnrEog8OkG8ek-e3jFuwnks-uGPTRfin9EnrzcXlnGEwUoTwY4sA9kcsnb8IQspjepGGjfEP080J_/s320/romance.jpg" width="244" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Um, excuse me but isn't he supposed to be 'ravaging ' me about now?</i><br />Sorry, no, you're confusing Mr. Colbert with someone who actual has genitalia.</td></tr>
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<br />
I was kind of old when I gave up the goose.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbZ-DNla7Rcnmr1pnB9O3RW7FBE4pPK8glHDZJwd58RaCYr8y1_XCZkLJBDAMVjdPhUGUj8Rzqj9Wr-1UGbPBIDMUCn0_CMIapVpwb40rlmuluUetJF2pTGvO8bNsDjhIH8wTmoZyUUnoP/s1600/goose.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbZ-DNla7Rcnmr1pnB9O3RW7FBE4pPK8glHDZJwd58RaCYr8y1_XCZkLJBDAMVjdPhUGUj8Rzqj9Wr-1UGbPBIDMUCn0_CMIapVpwb40rlmuluUetJF2pTGvO8bNsDjhIH8wTmoZyUUnoP/s200/goose.jpg" width="184" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm a little wonky.<br />I've been down there for way too many years just honking to get out!</td></tr>
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<br />
It was the day of my wedding...my, it was a confusing, scary time but my mother sat me down and chatted with me about the duties of a wife.<br />
I nodded demurely then knelt down with George holding my bible and turning the pages for me as I prayed. I found him a little chatty though, Ocean 11 this, villa in Italy that, so sick of dating gorgeous women, poor me poor me <i>blahblahblah</i> and it didn't help that Rickman and Pitt were arguing while making my grilled cheese in the kitchen.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm9ALhknOIgD1PEjOZr657dy3Du-S5wNrpVY181RB15O1g6APuHN81tpzUN6N0vduy6klyV5Uqm9p2-bb5TVU_Be5lVo3bjDiJGRZYdAousICLJx6yWVnMAXgV46bXlaobOOXsv1KYlogg/s1600/alan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm9ALhknOIgD1PEjOZr657dy3Du-S5wNrpVY181RB15O1g6APuHN81tpzUN6N0vduy6klyV5Uqm9p2-bb5TVU_Be5lVo3bjDiJGRZYdAousICLJx6yWVnMAXgV46bXlaobOOXsv1KYlogg/s200/alan.jpg" width="156" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hello, look at this face. I'm so intense and serious actory like.<br />Yes 'actory' is a real word!<br /> It's not?<br />Maybe it's Shakespearean, I've done lot's of that.<br /> I can act smart really really good...er, well? Good?<br /><br /></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEnQybyNjEsOkJCfrbu4nQ8YMD_Aoi_Rp_PQRofrF_gnV8ogrFJR3NI-SldBUOSVJcXLPMux-RkcRwc7v-UDFy53-qN_Du_1CcV8RBMUeBXTwbW-XTrVPcjy0pW51a1S-NS9JpoIAKi93s/s1600/brad.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEnQybyNjEsOkJCfrbu4nQ8YMD_Aoi_Rp_PQRofrF_gnV8ogrFJR3NI-SldBUOSVJcXLPMux-RkcRwc7v-UDFy53-qN_Du_1CcV8RBMUeBXTwbW-XTrVPcjy0pW51a1S-NS9JpoIAKi93s/s200/brad.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah soooo, I'm all...ummmm.<br /><i>(Psst, you were the sexiest man ali-)</i><br />Oh, yeah, Sexiest Man Alive!<br />Suck on THAT!<br />Naner naner naner!!</td></tr>
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Finally Matt and I got married and climbed on top of our donkeys and retreated to our cloud on top of Mt. Olumpus with the other gods.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiB1ESOEkLonbq06QY_85ThvDAj-VnDi5-dYuLkbtHPVTPi5CQuX6S9IrSrqycL9c5YYe8Ry_KB2kIBeeRPVF2HbVXHAHbB62q3YTJromq-Xa_7SVL1n-OSx0px1Qaz6_uGKWfD1L-2YYD/s1600/husband.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiB1ESOEkLonbq06QY_85ThvDAj-VnDi5-dYuLkbtHPVTPi5CQuX6S9IrSrqycL9c5YYe8Ry_KB2kIBeeRPVF2HbVXHAHbB62q3YTJromq-Xa_7SVL1n-OSx0px1Qaz6_uGKWfD1L-2YYD/s200/husband.jpg" width="136" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>For the life of me I can't think of any thing to say.<br />Seems all the blood in my brain has went elsewhere.</i></td></tr>
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<br />
It almost didn't work out though, as though he was kind of dumb....<i>*snort* as if that would matter. I've got the alphabet down pat enough for the both of us.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>*ring ring*</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
It was kind of difficult getting a construction crew up on the cloud but some-<br />
<br />
<i>*ring ring*</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>-</i>how<i> </i>we figured it out. Odysseus was very helpful with-<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>*RING RING*</i><br />
<br />
<b>WHAAAAAT</b>?! I'm trying to tell a story here!<br />
<br />
<i>Yeeeaaah, it's Reality calling.</i><br />
<br />
Oooh...<br />
<br />
<i>Yup, sorry but I couldn't ignore this one. The bible? Grilled cheese? Mt. Olympus? Seriously!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
That's what you have a problem with? Not the men?<br />
<br />
<i>Nope.Just make it a little more realistic.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Ok.<br />
<br />
<br />
There was a enormous flood that washed away everyone in the entire world but me, George, Brad, Alan and Matt.<br />
After a year or so they got sick of 'interacting' with the monkeys and decided 'ah, what the hell' and asked me out.<br />
The End.<br />
<br />
That better?<br />
<i>More believable. Thanks!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<br />
<br />
<i><br /></i>
<br />Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-15549057137981612772012-08-28T08:29:00.000-07:002012-08-28T08:29:10.295-07:00Will never look at Thumper and Flipper quite the same again<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Bootcamp, bootcamp,bootcamp....blahblahblah, does she talk about anything else?</span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Notice she doesn't have any pictures up of herself showing her results of all this bootcamping. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hmmph!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm so moving on from this blog, it is getting kind of bori-</span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b>Sextoys</b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm sorry, what was that?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><b>Sextoys</b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Baking powder? (42 1/2 points to whoever gets that movie reference)</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Sextoys</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Okay, attention has returned. Very good class! Now we will talk about the history of the lightening bug and it's effect on the ecosystem...no? You sure? Back to the sextoys? Fine.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6JZ6DKqvXhwJVYkuIlBltJNUTdgX6nwLbjQj3tzSmsdekFBysxvRAsBv9qntTzsMkovbjuKyMQexargDxcFE5Jg6G_Nq6FwEMNKnyAd3wM3Hm97jUA5tzB6ewe3YAZ0x59kuUOv4vGGlR/s1600/bug.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6JZ6DKqvXhwJVYkuIlBltJNUTdgX6nwLbjQj3tzSmsdekFBysxvRAsBv9qntTzsMkovbjuKyMQexargDxcFE5Jg6G_Nq6FwEMNKnyAd3wM3Hm97jUA5tzB6ewe3YAZ0x59kuUOv4vGGlR/s200/bug.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I am the Sammy Davis Jr of bugs.<br />
Yeah, baby yeah<br />
My rear end lights up, that's pretty sexy right?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Usually there is a reason to bring up sex toys at a party.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Bachelorette parties</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Swingers parties</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Grandma's 90th birthday party.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My reason is that I was invited to a Bachelorette party over the weekend.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(Will discuss other parties on some other post.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My first thought when invited was:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Strippers!</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtDd37qIdXQW90mnAZZ5T0_pa9kl8TPPyYk8DnIIU-KUD_9qIgAoa8J0rEQ8Wo9axD9VswlkeF3vNQr23BFaWYPepdu6xn-JsIcFceTbms3vDB5rtB6tLaT4KQsF7qDigc1YbcVMsKNwos/s1600/ewww.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="134" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtDd37qIdXQW90mnAZZ5T0_pa9kl8TPPyYk8DnIIU-KUD_9qIgAoa8J0rEQ8Wo9axD9VswlkeF3vNQr23BFaWYPepdu6xn-JsIcFceTbms3vDB5rtB6tLaT4KQsF7qDigc1YbcVMsKNwos/s200/ewww.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rowwrrr...yeah, no. There is something off here.<br />
Hmmph, can't decide if it's the delightful socks he's wearing<br />
Or the fact that he's about 75 that is just not doing it for me.<br />
Yeah, it's the socks.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Yaaay, I'll get my money folded in advance and start yodeling so my throat won't give out on me mid delighted scream. Right now I'm squeezing stress balls so my hands won't cramp up when I - </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sorry, what's that? Ha, no really.....oh, you're serious.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Ok, so there isn't going to be a stripper. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You're going to have what instead?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hmmph.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There is going to be a 50 yr old lady holding up dildos and repeatedly saying the word clitoris with a lisp instead?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Yeah, that's pretty much the same.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Woo<span style="font-size: x-small;">hooo</span><span style="font-size: xx-small;">ooo...yeah.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Hi! My name is Sex Lady"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Hello, my name is Mel-"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Did you know that I came four times last night because of this uber gel?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Hunh, that is... nice?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Did you know that my husband and I have multipl-"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> "Oh, excuse me my phone is ringing"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"I don't hear anything"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"My ringtone is a dog whistle so you wouldn't hear it. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I better take this outside, um... you have to meet my friend Cathy, she'd </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">love</i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> to hear that story."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sacrifice of a friend so as not to hear anymore orgasm stories from strangers...priceless.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">We are supposed to have one hand out for lispy sex lady to put lotions on that cool down or heat up nicely in the hooha region. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Strictly told to not lick that hand.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Other hand is put out for her to put down under munchable spreads on.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Pleassse lick away ladiessss" says lispy sex lady.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Suddenly not hungry one iota.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(Hey, did I mention how much better this is than a stripper. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Ye</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small;">eh</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: xx-small;">aaw!)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My drunk friend to my left keeps mixing up her munchable and non munchable hands and has proceeded to think that she is having allergic reactions to everything while on my right is the young one who keeps watching my reaction to see what she should be thinking.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Am very tempted to do a When Harry met Sally table moment to mess with her.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Decided have already sacrificed one friend to Ms. Munchable orgasm lady, and don't have a lot of friends left who will admit to knowing me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Lispy labia lady has finished her speech and now is the time you're supposed to spend $400 on various toys that I can't get past the names of let along figure out how to use. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I mean when dressing I regularly try to push my head through the arm hole, so imagine where I would accidentally put some of these things.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Me at Hospital- <span style="font-size: x-small;">I have a Dolphin stuck in my (fill in the blank)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Nurse- Sorry?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">M- I have a Dolphin stuck in my (you know the drill) and he is not being 'a diver's best friend' right now.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Nurse- Um, but shouldn't that go in your-</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">M- ...that's where the wrong end of the rabbit is. Can we just deal with Thumper at another time?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Bet you wished I talked about Bootcamp?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On the plus side any time you watch Bambi you'll be giggling over everything Thumper says.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> You're welcome.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Now remember when you comment about this:</span><br />
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Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-90056198232875178392012-08-08T18:29:00.002-07:002012-08-08T18:29:29.458-07:00Pet sanskrit, birthday carnage and I really want some M&M's NOW!.<br />
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</div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There is a lot of blogs out there giving advice because as you all know if you have at least one working finger and a computer then you must be an expert.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(Probably not on snapping your fingers, what with having only one fing...well, you know what I mean.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So I have decided to post the one thing I know for sure to be absolute.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Do I know the sun will come up tomorrow? Nope, could be the dawn of the M&M for all we know.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Can an M&M really shake his booty that well to 'I'm sexy and I know it'? Only the non naked M&M knows.</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgum2bvLzopPPSPusg7xe0uMuOn7nyrNaCHfwzDPkG_c_JcwgRbCWtWIlFif3YDiUFCdk9HerQkSnOQnkcuxBZv0FDU13zwE5i0xEyq32DT6Hht0zD5KGpjog_9iM6D2jAq6oyFc2cpDNIM/s1600/sexym&m.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgum2bvLzopPPSPusg7xe0uMuOn7nyrNaCHfwzDPkG_c_JcwgRbCWtWIlFif3YDiUFCdk9HerQkSnOQnkcuxBZv0FDU13zwE5i0xEyq32DT6Hht0zD5KGpjog_9iM6D2jAq6oyFc2cpDNIM/s200/sexym&m.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She's made out of chocolate<br />Can talk without a neck<br />Her eyebrows float in mid air<br />Yet, she needs glasses?</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Can you tell I really want M&M's...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sorry, back to the exciting announcement!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So here it is.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The one thing I know FOR SURE! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">Do not forget your pet's birthday.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Can you read that?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm scared to put it any bigger just in case Crazeecat comes along behind me and reads this.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It is now 6 -3 in favor of the animals in our house and they have a lot of pointy bits poking out of everywhere with no fear of using them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You're probably wondering why I felt the need to warn you all.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Actually I don't care if you were wondering or not I'm going to tell you either way.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Apparently we missed Sally the dog's birthday today.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/104_11848855321_4100_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/104_11848855321_4100_n.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Ummm.....Yaaa, ya did!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Awwww-</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">NoNONO!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">No awww's!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Not allowed!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She had a grand time, she took herself to a little restaurant called the compost bin and had a delightful supper of sausages, three day old burnt marshmallow and horseradish.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Then she decided to do a little Sarah 101 and redecorated the kitchen with the less unappetizing bits from the compost.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(To find pictures of things a dog would find unappealing from a compost bin, Google rotting zebra carcass after a week in a lions stomach. Picture that as your birthday cake and then think about what would be considered garbage compared to that.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sally then settled in for a comedy show after enjoying her dinner.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/1672_109527490321_7344_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/1672_109527490321_7344_n.jpg" width="148" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This is my comedy show hat....not it's not supposed to be cute or funny.<br />It's just a damn fine hat, yeesh!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She watched as the owner (moi) asked the offspring in a sweet manner (shrieked) to take the Crazee cat</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">out of the kitchen down to the den to keep him from ruining Sally's masterpiece.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Said offspring then slipped in unseen fecal matters (resulted from clashing marshmallow and horseradish in my delicate flower Sally's stomach.) while carrying Crazeecat down the stairs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Crazeecat decided that he must be falling over a cliff instead of slipping 3 feet off the ground and decided since death was just around the corner that he would practice his Sanskirt etchings up and down the offpsrings arm.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_f2Adu7sp2YUk1PkolS4-c2Z6rpTebjFbnM0E4-n8HlFgELgkiovzcU9K4J2FWPV5tMlWLQxRNIVFYNdVICCUD7GQPewMspCiZIbdH4rHXRFIMTTFf2NXRXh7KAtGhxFbTV0cy4Hrh_4F/s1600/008.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_f2Adu7sp2YUk1PkolS4-c2Z6rpTebjFbnM0E4-n8HlFgELgkiovzcU9K4J2FWPV5tMlWLQxRNIVFYNdVICCUD7GQPewMspCiZIbdH4rHXRFIMTTFf2NXRXh7KAtGhxFbTV0cy4Hrh_4F/s200/008.JPG" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Besides transcribing Sanskrit, he also a fine phlebotamist <br />and makes a jimdandy cappuccino! </span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(We think he was trying to draw the picture of the rotting zebra carcass for you all, 'cause he's just that darn sweet!)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sally laughed so hard at this she decided to share this by telling everyone loudly and repeatedly at the open window.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2_VNkkrGe7-GarR78URC7eEJiXbXwwFbmvQwGinpj_jDWALDjYwJKMeckZLlekdsisZ4bthfbm6BpVnq61LB66WFcxSB1lCtegibTqbzCX9fJkF9Yo_MI3w3Uduq7RAb08XuRYDjbSvcB/s1600/IMG_0805.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2_VNkkrGe7-GarR78URC7eEJiXbXwwFbmvQwGinpj_jDWALDjYwJKMeckZLlekdsisZ4bthfbm6BpVnq61LB66WFcxSB1lCtegibTqbzCX9fJkF9Yo_MI3w3Uduq7RAb08XuRYDjbSvcB/s320/IMG_0805.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Betty, the birthday girl's mom decided that she was a<br />little embarrassed of her daughter.<br />So she decided to remind me of her upcoming birthday by<br />depositing a little reminder(about a gallons worth) just so all this won't happen again.<br />Thoughtful, isn't she?</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So what are your absolute's that you feel free to send out in the universe?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Comment below so I know what kind of experts are checking up on my blog.</span><br />
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<span style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">गूद्निघ्त (Sanskrit for Goodnight, see what CrazeeCat has taught us!)</span></span><br />
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<br />Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-45110738876005641882012-07-21T05:48:00.001-07:002012-07-21T05:48:18.450-07:00Robin Williams syndrome, camel toe and rinsing brain out with soap...all in all, normal day.<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">There is a great Robin Williams joke where he has had a few too many and is pulled over by the po-po.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">As the officer is walking up to the car RW is practicing saying a common phrase all so soberly.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">'What seems to be the problem officer? What seems to be the problem officer? What seems to be the problem officer?..okay,okay, I'm good, here he comes.'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">'Sir, license and registration'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">'Vat zeems tabe depobem- hic -ossifer?'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Utter fail.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I'm Robin Williams, without the drug or alcohol problem and about only half the body hair.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(Rowwwr, sounding kinda sexy aren't I?)</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYaDLEGSWBlsuG58qtZQA2AVNBtRR1ToM7Dp05y8eeWY3EktyBNGcHQ5Ek14T0lRk-7yeqYQ2SrvKILWgTIq5Ggfb_IR3FgV2aQBvfNCzUYIOCveVNnpG03bBhB7vCJuytstMtvc0nRXhs/s1600/robin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYaDLEGSWBlsuG58qtZQA2AVNBtRR1ToM7Dp05y8eeWY3EktyBNGcHQ5Ek14T0lRk-7yeqYQ2SrvKILWgTIq5Ggfb_IR3FgV2aQBvfNCzUYIOCveVNnpG03bBhB7vCJuytstMtvc0nRXhs/s1600/robin.jpg" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">That's my sexy pose,<br /> Mixture of I think I have malaria ,feel my fore head<br />and<br />Eww, I think I touched something sticky.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">That saying of 'You can dress them up but don't give them pie....or take them places that have pie, something like that'. I'm told that all the time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Example #1 - At bootcamp as usual,(just realized that with the amount of time I talk about bootcamp that people who read this and don't know me must think I am TOIGHT....yeeeah, not.) and I'm looking like all the other boot campers. (To a degree.) </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">t-shirt- <b>check</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">yoga pants - <b>check</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">ankle socks- <b>check</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">sneakers- <b>check</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">hair in ponytail- <b>check</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Go and sit in my normal spot</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Start bootcamp.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Sounds normal doesn't it?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Behind the scenes</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">-<b>put on tshirt</b>...maybe I'll wear yoga tank top today, arms looking okay,not bad..sitting in car at the end of driveway, suddenly throw car back into park, race in and throw three sizes too big t-shirt back on. Hello, my old friend.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>-put on yoga pants</b>- hmm, they're loose on my waist but I seem to still have the dreaded camel toe. Surely you can't develop a muscle on your..." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">...and the problem with my toes is what?</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Spend 10 minutes googling 'Possiblility of exercise giving you a muscular vajajay?'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Wondering if other's have this, spend couple of minutes picturing fellow bootcampers then realizing I'm picturing if fellow bootcampers have muscular vajajay...rinsing brain out with soap.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>-ankle socks</b>- sneaking up to sleeping offspring and peeling off socks while they are dreaming about pie.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>-sneakers</b>- take out of locked curio cabinet since I spent more time and money on them then I did my first wedding</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>-hair in ponytail</b> - wash hair, dry hair, pull it all back in messy ponytail so it won't look like I was trying...elapsed time of not trying: 40 minutes, really not giving a shit: 60 minutes min.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Go sit in normal spot- put away shiv, carried just in case someone had tried taking my spot</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Start bootcamp.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So that's all fine, but then the Robin Williams syndrome kicks in.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Scenario- sitting on precious spot on floor waiting for boot camp to start</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Have E-Reader up as shield so don't have to speak/embarrass myself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Cute, fit instructor comes up(obviously not having crazy syndrome coursing threw her veins) and asks,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"You're a reading fan I see."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Normal response</b> (I know this as I have read them in books, not because I ever give one)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">'Yup, love books. Can't seem to put them down, obviously'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">They both laugh politely and she moves on to the another normal person.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_x_JGbRLiTPidI2gE_Xts4rvyhM5j8PSlBm1QJ_EQaF25oieZkcD2XKD87KAkYh6SLHacXL6R4QauCWXZ4NokxUTL5rwQLXlbLdGmfHO5epSZ_i8tkNS0QjRhpMhOIu3nc1VvTmCXpag-/s1600/fitnesslady.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_x_JGbRLiTPidI2gE_Xts4rvyhM5j8PSlBm1QJ_EQaF25oieZkcD2XKD87KAkYh6SLHacXL6R4QauCWXZ4NokxUTL5rwQLXlbLdGmfHO5epSZ_i8tkNS0QjRhpMhOIu3nc1VvTmCXpag-/s200/fitnesslady.jpg" width="111" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Yuuuup, pretty normal.<br />No crazy here, nope, nope nope.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>My response </b>(*resigned sigh*)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"You're a reading fan I see"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">'More than my own kids, I would run you down before looking up from my book...seriously, dude I would'...awkward pause...followed by trilling insane giggle and anecdote about being a bit of a slut 20+ years ago in Montreal and how I know lot's of Spanish swear words from spanish men I slept with back then.....why this topic? No clue.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDD1nQTyGut-heIyb3kpUZYzFpxHdflEpqblIj1DGVimwk8bVraLj91kQoyEfLuXW8QzIXCrt_NqtNAwIaC6Tc5pFI3dfLre2XWatbFaHHlx02IMbY699WQom4ez2klEEepkh41DsDg1FI/s1600/crazymom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDD1nQTyGut-heIyb3kpUZYzFpxHdflEpqblIj1DGVimwk8bVraLj91kQoyEfLuXW8QzIXCrt_NqtNAwIaC6Tc5pFI3dfLre2XWatbFaHHlx02IMbY699WQom4ez2klEEepkh41DsDg1FI/s200/crazymom.jpg" width="142" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">...then there was Vincent, then Alejandro and Henri and <strike>Maria </strike>eep...umm, I mean Mario.<br />I'm sorry,what were we talking about?<br />Hello? hello?...Wonder where she went?<br /><br /><br /><br /></span></td></tr>
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I now look at all the other non- camel toed, normal looking bootcampers and wonder if maybe there is one or two that have a touch of the Robin William's syndrome like me.<br />
<br />
<br />
Anyone?<br />
Anyone...just a smidge?<br />
*resigned sigh #2*<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">(Liar, liar camel toe on fire</span>)<br />
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Adiosfolks!<br />
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<br />Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-12574400141185271702012-07-15T17:42:00.000-07:002012-07-15T17:43:28.733-07:00Put the lotion in the f*#$in' basket!(10 pts in huge giveaway if you caught the movie reference)<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I tend to do weird things when I'm bored.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The End.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">That's it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">That's the whole post.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Hello? I'm not kidding.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Dumdedumdumdum...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Go away.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">NOW.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Seriously</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I'm feeling kind of sorry for you now since your life is obviously more boring than mine.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I mean not in the way you feel sorry for those kids on tv who haven't eaten for a week.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You- <i>Oh my, those poor little sprouts- (yeah, I don't know why I'm suddenly sounding like Dolly Parton either)- I just want to gather them to my delicate rock like bosom and feed them jelly donuts till they spew. Now where is my check book? My, that's odd it was lodged under my left boob. Wonder how long it was there?</i></span><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></i><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha2aeHfIBHnkUNBEaM9iS8l8NbxV3JKljQK4iMqPHFKnSnQSpvdDqjskE7q5lwMhtqeLERVQ0ATNvn0_XC0pOJvC_qP1MBJiWOX_HM17wfz7B0hiHGDYcllqS8h4l1YtII-MoncvE8aH8Y/s1600/dollyparton.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha2aeHfIBHnkUNBEaM9iS8l8NbxV3JKljQK4iMqPHFKnSnQSpvdDqjskE7q5lwMhtqeLERVQ0ATNvn0_XC0pOJvC_qP1MBJiWOX_HM17wfz7B0hiHGDYcllqS8h4l1YtII-MoncvE8aH8Y/s1600/dollyparton.jpg" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Come here you cute little itsy bitsy darlings</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Why I could just eat you right up, you all are so sweet!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrPa8wD-PmNHImc8Igd_G5XIBDFHrpab2wKthQrOaU6Q_2nzJv631I_WVMApHjieqGkOe8RfaMp0xHGVYnuVxSlQ4aY-k6TbRQ73h21JkbiA_U4f2z-JCSXSPuTBzchUfMib0HTdFDKp9n/s1600/starvingchildren.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrPa8wD-PmNHImc8Igd_G5XIBDFHrpab2wKthQrOaU6Q_2nzJv631I_WVMApHjieqGkOe8RfaMp0xHGVYnuVxSlQ4aY-k6TbRQ73h21JkbiA_U4f2z-JCSXSPuTBzchUfMib0HTdFDKp9n/s200/starvingchildren.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Umm, you know what <strike>scary</strike> nice lady</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">We're good eating what we have right here.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Yummmy, sand....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Is she gone yet?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">'<i>Oh,those poor little darlin's whatever I can do to help I'll do it -</i></span><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">DING!- oh, my popcorn is ready, yumm, .</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Now what was I doing....oh, yeah. True Blood marathon!</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">That's pretty horrible.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I mean not staying up to date on True Blood weekly just sends a poor life lesson to your kids.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Just saying.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Anyhoo back to feeling sorry for me...or you. Whatever, I can't keep track so let's just focus on me 'cause <b>J'adore moi</b>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(<b>Mistress of Immodesty folks, not Mistress of Fake Boob Bitches pretending to care about the rest of the world)</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I was telling you that I sometimes do weird things when I'm bored.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It was brought to my attention by my eldest offspring when he commented on something in my living room.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Let's see if you notice it in the first picture.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ2l-0h1d_9xPA0Nf8cBj2QSr1mfD55-mOyzXs_RN1oTGIXWJlPVTQq4dheq1qA7ne-FipI_3q91eZlzn4CyyBlsikqAAFb4FQFz-l83d5I0ohLUvCCqX63Z9WBOhOClFohm5erYytRkeG/s1600/021.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="148" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ2l-0h1d_9xPA0Nf8cBj2QSr1mfD55-mOyzXs_RN1oTGIXWJlPVTQq4dheq1qA7ne-FipI_3q91eZlzn4CyyBlsikqAAFb4FQFz-l83d5I0ohLUvCCqX63Z9WBOhOClFohm5erYytRkeG/s200/021.JPG" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />Eek, needing some new furniture.</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">There goes the frenchmen's holiday plans.<br />Damn, I'm a keeper.<br />You'd think I must be really good in bed.<br /><span style="font-size: x-small;">You'd <i>think</i> it.</span><br />Anyhoo, did you notice the oddity?</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Nope you say? (Ignoring you keeners in the back who already have their hands up, put them the hell down you stupid wankers. Hmm, another career to be crossed off list,<strike>Teacher</strike>)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Here's another picture closer up.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL9hmvepxlSLbEbGyNV5VHfaaDuXeDFeoCXV-VRTTE_FPQ9eNeKA2W8D71W3pKq7NdLBS4n9I_t9M7Vh20fq6yES-Q-v21dARpiC7Dw0GmQ5BxojYAmu2yY3wOtyWATumrVrDb2FMe_H0n/s1600/022.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL9hmvepxlSLbEbGyNV5VHfaaDuXeDFeoCXV-VRTTE_FPQ9eNeKA2W8D71W3pKq7NdLBS4n9I_t9M7Vh20fq6yES-Q-v21dARpiC7Dw0GmQ5BxojYAmu2yY3wOtyWATumrVrDb2FMe_H0n/s200/022.JPG" width="148" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Anyone...?<br /> No, you boring twats. It's not that I need curtains!<br />Imagine if that was it.<br />Wow, soooooo funny!<br />Going to tell everyone about this blog with the window that needed new curtains.<br />Conan, I have this writer for you. She does this bit with a curtainless window..<br />Bwahahaah.....ah, no.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Still nothing? (I swear I'll cut your hands off if you put them up one more time. <strike>Anything to do with children</strike>, crossed off career list.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I'll give you a hint.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBKPlN4kn5b4LEHFrYxUyCniD4cP46Iz2wev0MbJYA_tX2Siy_qH3Uw2rjEsM2bvvd_D_ApVGKYAaa7oMKCdlpqvGoJfVUgiHbFUrdNEl0PXAkMwNaDdb7icmvikRzpHt9eUaoQBIyY2OZ/s1600/024.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBKPlN4kn5b4LEHFrYxUyCniD4cP46Iz2wev0MbJYA_tX2Siy_qH3Uw2rjEsM2bvvd_D_ApVGKYAaa7oMKCdlpqvGoJfVUgiHbFUrdNEl0PXAkMwNaDdb7icmvikRzpHt9eUaoQBIyY2OZ/s200/024.JPG" width="148" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Betty, all around cutie pattotie, pee supplier ('cause wood floors can't get enough moisture especially in this hot weather) and distributor of....<br /></span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwv0xrsFIIxsPW1dkBCIuMESwEZN0bvq_XWg8jMBkSJ0kjeUarroOPkUiTdK0VbuhIQy4JJE2YMHSdS_i0vPEb0N36xrU1DCqy2ScW5ZM6_CnXQFB5pwcf_jgZU1sNKATPZKKuWekcNNLL/s1600/025.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="148" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwv0xrsFIIxsPW1dkBCIuMESwEZN0bvq_XWg8jMBkSJ0kjeUarroOPkUiTdK0VbuhIQy4JJE2YMHSdS_i0vPEb0N36xrU1DCqy2ScW5ZM6_CnXQFB5pwcf_jgZU1sNKATPZKKuWekcNNLL/s200/025.JPG" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Do you get what it is? Do you want a closer look, 'cause if you're still with this blog post you obviously have nothing better to do...<br /></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivuiyxdemKkFDU1fHdvdqCqTOwGKM98bJA_gVyo8fAhzv6apmqtyhpxGwIpXueZlwP5eKgvP7C1T8nTMr6Gm4KHHeiXi2YsIuXm4jNwJbX8_fhS3M9DdGfR2H7xuA-k6mBaUoMdIYvpWnS/s1600/026.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="148" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivuiyxdemKkFDU1fHdvdqCqTOwGKM98bJA_gVyo8fAhzv6apmqtyhpxGwIpXueZlwP5eKgvP7C1T8nTMr6Gm4KHHeiXi2YsIuXm4jNwJbX8_fhS3M9DdGfR2H7xuA-k6mBaUoMdIYvpWnS/s200/026.JPG" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Yup, it's just as pretty close up. Kind of like a Picasso.<br />It's a bowl of Picasso like dog hair.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Now this wouldn't be so weird if I had just recently brushed Betty but I did that three weeks ago.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> The weird part is that for some reason I don't want to get rid of it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">My offspring and I had a chat about it and the sad thing is that isn't the weirdest conversation we had that day.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>OS</b> - Nice decorating Mom. Hair bowl is the new black this season?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>M</b>- I like it, it gives the room texture.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>OS</b> - Like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs thought the women screaming in the hole were just ambiance?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>M</b>- Yeah, like that. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>OS</b>- (Eyebrows raised)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>M</b>- Wait, no....um..is this where you tell me I need to get out more?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>OS</b>- It's either that or stay in with a lock on the outside of your door.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">See, aren't you wishing that you had left when I told you from the start?</span><br />
<br />Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-28880159313265520132012-07-05T07:53:00.001-07:002012-07-05T07:53:27.334-07:00Bootcamp, three ways. Not a threeway bootcamp, that would just be cleaning of lots of unknown liquids, ya pervs.<br />
Every time I come home from boot camp my daughter/son/hubby asks the same question.<br />
<br />
How was boot camp?<br />
<br />
I seem to always want to karate kick people in the head when they ask dumb questions like that, but with my new found patience (and the threat of jail) I don't do that.<br />
<br />
(Anymore).<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzYf97KhnYoq20B4YpLrEmQhbR1QbC57HFI2FYGtHN9g3Uf3eCgYTOmL7MLhhPPqvj24nQ04GhTAqZHSGPlFJJ8NX9MmXAmCSWBy6O8BdNRKnJcEBJD8TeDhCR4LAPTdDrJAzpJfSuKgq7/s1600/duckingkarate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzYf97KhnYoq20B4YpLrEmQhbR1QbC57HFI2FYGtHN9g3Uf3eCgYTOmL7MLhhPPqvj24nQ04GhTAqZHSGPlFJJ8NX9MmXAmCSWBy6O8BdNRKnJcEBJD8TeDhCR4LAPTdDrJAzpJfSuKgq7/s320/duckingkarate.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This actually what I look like when I do it, I have a full size cat suit in the closet.<br />That's just a really big ass dog.<br /></td></tr>
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<br />
Back to the family.<br />
I'm not quite sure why they ask it, 'cause it's not like I come home singing from the Sound of Music.<br />
I scoot out of class like the hounds of hell are chasing me.<br />
Or Tom Cruise is eyeing me for wife number 4.<br />
Eek!<br />
I then zoom home 'cause I can feel the muscles starting to seize.<br />
I proceed to worry the neighbors as I sit in my car in the driveway with the door open while having a little nap on the steering wheel.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwG-MOsghq-N1RFuR_vTk4b8JGU1IGnwPM6jFHrmpD4WfV7HpRRSRJIGie1HA8ey65a472B5slJHbFgv0-bni1_9C1uJxt6a8PMJi7xEf7rK5OiYomIue1-ny0htKBd9U_lzjxcrVfNMht/s1600/neighbors.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="154" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwG-MOsghq-N1RFuR_vTk4b8JGU1IGnwPM6jFHrmpD4WfV7HpRRSRJIGie1HA8ey65a472B5slJHbFgv0-bni1_9C1uJxt6a8PMJi7xEf7rK5OiYomIue1-ny0htKBd9U_lzjxcrVfNMht/s200/neighbors.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm telling you George there is something not right with that girl.<br />Who has a specially made cat suit in her closet?<br />I mean, really, when the Walmart has lots of lovely ones at half off.</td></tr>
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<br />When I exercise at all my face turns an especially lovely color of red.<div>
I've had complete strangers ask me if 'I'm okay' through out the years. </div>
<div>
(Hence the cat suit and knowledge of jail with the karate kicks)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So I'm walking into the house with the red face and sweat pouring off me and without fail the question comes.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
How was boot camp?</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8L05nVApm9aWZzZbIOFB7Pmy3KT03vka-Q0NDDHr8gIdRRO9avO8Dswdb_vphW2XVYcL7ynHmP4DiA83ujnuOrn0GrLyjjFlsWO_VO2dQMMRf4gVZMClbEq2qALAcSAzdMuik7pFc_v9j/s1600/sweatyeye.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="131" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8L05nVApm9aWZzZbIOFB7Pmy3KT03vka-Q0NDDHr8gIdRRO9avO8Dswdb_vphW2XVYcL7ynHmP4DiA83ujnuOrn0GrLyjjFlsWO_VO2dQMMRf4gVZMClbEq2qALAcSAzdMuik7pFc_v9j/s200/sweatyeye.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No kicking aloud<br />Besides you just finished vacuumed all the cat hair up from the last ass kicking.</td></tr>
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<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm not sure if you noticed but sarcasm is bit of a forerunner for me when I'm asked anything.</div>
<div>
So I've come up with a couple of slightly insincere answers depending on my audience.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Answer to 11 yr old offspring</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Bootcamp?</div>
<div>
Ah, just the norm.</div>
<div>
We all gather in a big circle.</div>
<div>
The lady who's first wearing the boot, Pam, starts us off with a singalong.</div>
<div>
She then passes the boot to Julie who is a bit of a high stepper fan , so then we dance.</div>
<div>
Then it's passed to either Holly or the 'other' Melissa and we do kind of individual dances with them.</div>
<div>
Then the boot is passed into the center and we all listen as the boot tells us a lullabye so we can take a nap.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Answer to 18 yr old offspring.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Bootcamp? </div>
<div>
Ah, just the norm.</div>
<div>
We all gather in a big circle.</div>
<div>
Then Bootie, Pam's nickname, brings out the medicinal ciggs.</div>
<div>
We proceed to all partake in the 'special smokes', wind up taking our shirts off</div>
<div>
and start talking about our periods while sitting cross legged in our bras.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
and then the answer to the 52 yr old hubby.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Bootcamp?</div>
<div>
Ah, just the norm.</div>
<div>
We all gather in a big circle.</div>
<div>
The main rule in Boot camp is you can't talk about boot camp.</div>
<div>
Let's just say, a bunch of girls, sweaty, heavy breathing, who are predisposed to talking things off.</div>
<div>
(Sneakers, but he doesn't need to know that . He's paying so I have to throw him a bone sometimes.)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHzjxMazBKZb8veWNwxM7XP_xqT4SLbEJXvJve2BaU73_8EF864IHSJlXOvWGUlOmUoOkrR4Wayp54f0TMxGWpAtcMu8SsoFyhNTEBPvXAc9cctGYaorID3r9b_CyVTpDwy4zQT4ibUSv6/s1600/fightclub.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHzjxMazBKZb8veWNwxM7XP_xqT4SLbEJXvJve2BaU73_8EF864IHSJlXOvWGUlOmUoOkrR4Wayp54f0TMxGWpAtcMu8SsoFyhNTEBPvXAc9cctGYaorID3r9b_CyVTpDwy4zQT4ibUSv6/s1600/fightclub.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">B- 'What the hell do I have to do with this blog?'<br />M- 'You're pretty, just shut up and stand there.'</td></tr>
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<br /><br /></div>Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-18860823854920347302012-06-25T18:40:00.000-07:002012-06-25T19:02:10.661-07:00I have met the devil, she has a ponytail and wears yoga pants...<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Even if you're not Catholic we all have heard the stories about the scary fella living beneath us with the little red horns.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(<i>No, not that fella. That's my uncle Steve and hopefully he will move out and stop reliving halloween daily. <b>Dude! It's creepy, stop!)</b></i></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQxpzifbiS6a3iUNj9WrV6NtNtTlTZ7v0Puy6EpVGNthLTlUAYCIO2P6QoFCS915MA27zTH43biSZOj9wcMbVBaGh8xlQcmIkPLmZtEQnzuOm3e7v5fcOXXzG2DB69l8jbIKRel4XM1vT4/s1600/devilcostume.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQxpzifbiS6a3iUNj9WrV6NtNtTlTZ7v0Puy6EpVGNthLTlUAYCIO2P6QoFCS915MA27zTH43biSZOj9wcMbVBaGh8xlQcmIkPLmZtEQnzuOm3e7v5fcOXXzG2DB69l8jbIKRel4XM1vT4/s200/devilcostume.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">On the plus side we no longer have rugrats at our door on Halloween<br />
Sometimes creepiness pays...in mini Mars bars.</td></tr>
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<b><br /></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Sorry about that, back to the real devil.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">When most people think of the devil and hell they picture a hideous creature with horns who snaps his gum constaaantly in a triplex of fire and no cable...<i>'shudder'</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>We all have our own version of hell.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I've met her...actually I've met all of them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">------? Her? <i>All</i> of them?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Yep,and yep.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Shocked you didn't I?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You're like 'WHAT?!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I'm like 'YA-HUNH!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You're like 'NO WAY!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I'm like "WAY!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You're like "INCONCEIVABLE"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I'm like 'CAN WE STOP SHOUTING NOW?"</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPvX3DHFJDNQyfAV-fl9iQgkh2O0W3QQURAMaH9msljUducvtKT9mthEuxmLDroKbMGEs1hXPI8qL0dIU64Yn4A7G8wobnTfR2LORxx6oQlZpXr_wz_KlXQFvT7GGDoT4y-iPdEfBcjSxD/s1600/ears.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPvX3DHFJDNQyfAV-fl9iQgkh2O0W3QQURAMaH9msljUducvtKT9mthEuxmLDroKbMGEs1hXPI8qL0dIU64Yn4A7G8wobnTfR2LORxx6oQlZpXr_wz_KlXQFvT7GGDoT4y-iPdEfBcjSxD/s1600/ears.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">10 points to who got the 'inconceivable' movie reference.<br />
No really keep track as big, no Huge prize for the winner .<br />
FYI How do most of you feel about balls of dog hair? Big ones?<br />
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</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I met her in a seemingly innocuous place.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Bootcamp.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">After all these centuries of tears, screams and causing people agony she figured let's make a little bit of coin with this.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(Recession hit everyone folks, those daily pineapples, that are shoved up Hitlers you know where, don't come cheap)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">She prettied herself up along with her fellow devils, okay, to be specific there isn't really a bunch of devils they are just her minions (motivators) to lure people in.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt-JHEkGduDw53JMtlCnZqNpwvxNu8ptOQoIXDaqANFyGt4SaLZyxuDRNS-ljn9Nt1Qx6SZfzL2rU9_iEVtvK0RR1WwwJgWP2qJAcPBd-dYrjCFDGyFrXaFqc63pDZnuOz-iPvGl_gkLfh/s1600/minions.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="149" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt-JHEkGduDw53JMtlCnZqNpwvxNu8ptOQoIXDaqANFyGt4SaLZyxuDRNS-ljn9Nt1Qx6SZfzL2rU9_iEVtvK0RR1WwwJgWP2qJAcPBd-dYrjCFDGyFrXaFqc63pDZnuOz-iPvGl_gkLfh/s200/minions.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is what I see at bootcamp when they are trying to 'motivate' (hurt) me.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The <strike>minions</strike> motivators are gorgeous ladies who suddenly appear beside you during bootcamp just when you are ready to say uncle (Not uncle Steve though, eww!) and urge you to keep going.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">She makes a different minion for all types of people.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">There's the one who...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You know what?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I'm going to hold off describing them right now because if my instincts are right and they might be reading this I might actually have some leverage for slacking off.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Hmm, maybe some of her devilish nature is rubbing off on me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnlutzvVOELjeQDdiMzua9dTwiPP7Q3TCAuIY48EnJzHiT1RdZz_zG5CxtiY_m-meipEDJkZUCVUbYaFItel9uV7L4tgh_Ym330XjbCOrEWgIir2su58sAvVVlCAvB9lHyoXHvjyrhZaXQ/s1600/cheshirecat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnlutzvVOELjeQDdiMzua9dTwiPP7Q3TCAuIY48EnJzHiT1RdZz_zG5CxtiY_m-meipEDJkZUCVUbYaFItel9uV7L4tgh_Ym330XjbCOrEWgIir2su58sAvVVlCAvB9lHyoXHvjyrhZaXQ/s1600/cheshirecat.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
Until next time, <i>my</i> minions.<br />
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<br />Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-39943998155689855722012-06-16T12:22:00.001-07:002012-06-16T12:22:45.253-07:00Things learned today...claustrophobic vagina's and footy p.j's don't help in making me a better writer.<div>
<br />
I'm at a writer's retreat this weekend.</div>
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At times I'm not sure if I should be here 'cause I'm kind of cheating.</div>
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No,no! Not cheating cheating like with another guy.<br />
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<i>(Not with another girl either as none of them are my type....as in 'they have vagina's' kind of type. I have no problem with the vajayjay but I think it has to do with my being claustrophobic that I like things that stick out as opposed to enclose you.</i>)<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZSOGLIWBiDA1Nc82QnPqr5kV3jWYLSoceMyUHgWuY7yHSJj8PR6QexFZNmObjSPT3noxhj3iJDHpL_unh5bdvtvXOodKWVrK-kEGYEbB4eFnlAIwOD7a4_XZYvbCb4OR8g2H6sTJzYvMS/s1600/claustrophobic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZSOGLIWBiDA1Nc82QnPqr5kV3jWYLSoceMyUHgWuY7yHSJj8PR6QexFZNmObjSPT3noxhj3iJDHpL_unh5bdvtvXOodKWVrK-kEGYEbB4eFnlAIwOD7a4_XZYvbCb4OR8g2H6sTJzYvMS/s320/claustrophobic.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You thought this comic would have something to do with lesbians or claustrophobic vaginas, didn't you?<br />
Nah, it's just funny.</td></tr>
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Anyhoo, I've listened to the other writers at the retreat talk about what they are working on<br />
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One is going back and editing her first draft. <i>Awesome!</i></div>
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One is trying to decide if she should make her book into two different ones she has so many ideas. <i>Great!</i></div>
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One is using multi-media in her book. Uber artistic in every way. <i>(No sarcasm meant there, she actually is.)</i></div>
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And so on...</div>
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Then there is me...♪doobydoobydoonotdoinganythingbutlookinggooddoingit.♪</div>
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First things first, let's get the important parts done.</div>
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I do have the look of the writer down pat.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt1zg9i2MLkaTBaTBr9ioZDLU6FSYmyWiVtxicbV2PL-fU-Ccl6GK54cUuYxzngbIgiwnjSk4L3klnvlcVE58ACrZQyM4UGYZtfUv1rMlcewQLNXNPy27pNrOjCWuijiylbvEsLvzCCz7I/s1600/seriouswriter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt1zg9i2MLkaTBaTBr9ioZDLU6FSYmyWiVtxicbV2PL-fU-Ccl6GK54cUuYxzngbIgiwnjSk4L3klnvlcVE58ACrZQyM4UGYZtfUv1rMlcewQLNXNPy27pNrOjCWuijiylbvEsLvzCCz7I/s200/seriouswriter.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just like that except with boobs.</td></tr>
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<b>#1</b>. Frown on forehead like I am writing the Magna carta (don't ask me what that is but it sounds important).<br />
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<b>#2</b>. Hunched over computer like their is nothing more important than getting this amazing story down immediately. (Hey, I just got poked on Facebook! I better poke her right back or .....I'd better do something more important. Oh, look lolcatz!)<br />
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<b>#3</b>. Gazing off into space and organising different plot lines in my head. (Yup, it's <i>definitely</i> the claustrophobia problem that is keeping me with the male side of the species.)<br />
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I'm surrounded by pens and paper and have studiously written down some key points.</div>
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#1. These chairs are uncomfortable and hard so if I fart the sound won't be muffled and they'll know its me.</div>
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#2. How many times can I get up to go to the bathroom without the others thinking I have a coke problem.</div>
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#3. I wonder if there's a set aside nap time like in day care?</div>
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Oh, I haven't actually done anything to do with becoming a better writer. Pshaaw! Please!</div>
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What do you think I'm trying to do here?</div>
<div>
Oh...that's right.<br />
<br />
We did have a content editor, Netta, skype in to give us some information on some do's and don'ts before sending your first draft into an editor.<br />
She was as funny as church which is a big compliment in my mind.<br />
<i>(Come on, church is hilarious! The guy is up there in a leftover Liberace muumuu giving us 'the body of christ' to munch on... does no one else want to ask for it ' medium rare please' when he holds it out in front of you? </i><br />
<i>Really, no one?)</i><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq9JKAOi0ifbWEC71j-MG3NVbfjawbHjWNK56OJOXlx_PQCCEoHGbf1AtRO6wyCLpA-feeKR0J2rzSpIg1K7B-NvOHz4Wl-00unNyM3pSuHyN92r1eK58_fyE3yLaL9cBWOzv26YRgcDW_/s1600/priest.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="140" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq9JKAOi0ifbWEC71j-MG3NVbfjawbHjWNK56OJOXlx_PQCCEoHGbf1AtRO6wyCLpA-feeKR0J2rzSpIg1K7B-NvOHz4Wl-00unNyM3pSuHyN92r1eK58_fyE3yLaL9cBWOzv26YRgcDW_/s200/priest.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Do you want mushrooms and onions with that?</td></tr>
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So I'm glancing around at everyone furiously scribbling down everything Netta is saying and all I can think is she sounds like Betty Rubble when she laughs and I want to move to St. Louis and hang out by the pool with her telling jokes so she'll keep laughing.<br />
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Then she asks if anyone has any questions and of course when I realise that no one else's questions involve watching either a marathon session of Vampire Diaries or WKRP in Cincinnati in footie pajamas, I start to panic.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl6aK8OamvAWYEKQmRCJb39LZLiD7d8hqlMEAQgjNJfvRkJVBj3tLrhWP6D7UjKHxmfWpTe4khwM4LTb_xYK83SJAwi_xmbms-36tBzvhWK5HxFujwy-rUc6t58d_COSW7BwWZ9ISB7A78/s1600/footypajamas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl6aK8OamvAWYEKQmRCJb39LZLiD7d8hqlMEAQgjNJfvRkJVBj3tLrhWP6D7UjKHxmfWpTe4khwM4LTb_xYK83SJAwi_xmbms-36tBzvhWK5HxFujwy-rUc6t58d_COSW7BwWZ9ISB7A78/s320/footypajamas.jpg" width="102" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yay! You picked WKRP, I knew we were destined to be friends!</td></tr>
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Of course being the person I am, calm and cool under pressure I did what any normal person would do.<br />
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I proceeded to flash her.<br />
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A slow motion accidental one but a definite flash none the less.<br />
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Yeeeaah....I don't think I need to say how it happened. Anyone who has read previous posts of mine know that the word normalcy is not something ever in connection with mine.<br />
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So the thing's I have learned so far at this writer's retreat are as follows.<br />
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#1. Every body part of mine is claustrophobic, not just my brain.<br />
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#2. The answer is that it is 4 times you can go to the bathroom before they call Dr. Drew.<br />
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#3. Adults in footie pajamas who flash people they just met tend to not make new friends easily.<br />
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Off to cheat some more, blogarilla's.<br />
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<br /></div>Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-7831198905915674832012-06-09T18:36:00.001-07:002012-06-09T18:37:42.994-07:00Jumping out of a plane and a new asshole all in one day.<br />
I have discovered that I might just have some English blood flowing through me.<br />
Either that or I might have sat on a pointy vertical stick at some point in time.<br />
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Neither being very appealing.<br />
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The reason I bring this up is that I did something out of the ordinary last week.<br />
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I jumped out of a plane.<br />
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............?<br />
<br />
Yeah, I stated that pretty calmly didn't I?<br />
Which doesn't make much sense to those that know me.<br />
I am a pretty emotional chica.<br />
<br />
I get all shouty after the adrenaline of bootcamp.<br />
I get <i>mega</i> shouty after the joy of eating french macaroons.<br />
Hell, I used to get all shouty in high school when my period would finally come.( Woohoo! Dodged another bullet!)<br />
<br />
But back to my absurd calmness. It started with a simple dinner.<br />
I was visiting the hubby's, aka the frenchmen's, family in Vancouver Island.<br />
I was sitting with my brother and nephew in law who are SARTECHS, which is a short term for Search and Rescue.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0T-6ZxyiMSwZPZ4zGRUl4hLhxSSB9-kGch7AGj3wOCZ2lFOttXhMpj85qLB2CLx-oamUAVLmdl2TZq75DgpDKKVN6ntfyS2ADBkDatvwH7zeM_b6Ywg-1HcQdF_PIGF9L7xNyMO3u6p5A/s1600/sartech.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0T-6ZxyiMSwZPZ4zGRUl4hLhxSSB9-kGch7AGj3wOCZ2lFOttXhMpj85qLB2CLx-oamUAVLmdl2TZq75DgpDKKVN6ntfyS2ADBkDatvwH7zeM_b6Ywg-1HcQdF_PIGF9L7xNyMO3u6p5A/s1600/sartech.jpg" /></a></div>
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They were talking about their weekend doing instructional parachute jumps for first timers.<br />
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I of course immediately thought of what it would feel like to have these guys dropping out of an airplane in their bright orange jumpsuits to rescue me.<br />
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'THANKFUCKYOUFOUNDMEIALMOSTGOTEATENOUTHERE!'<br />
(<span style="font-size: x-small;">See what I mean about being all shouty?)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span><br />
'Um, miss. You have a blister on your foot and last time I checked butterflies aren't maneaters. You really can't keep calling us whenever you get lost in the parking lot mall anymore.'<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9Aa6LdCAA04X_JdoHxrPb9NS2_l2uzuV5wsuUhSW9GIIBsNNsUzoriLEYcYBxN5RQ89zVVpuqyX5sbE5TRVC3SS9n9iOw0-b1xHBO2lmeJsmkhVpDdvsMAQOk_a6PfG2lIAh6KEqYQ_tL/s1600/be_my_butterfly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9Aa6LdCAA04X_JdoHxrPb9NS2_l2uzuV5wsuUhSW9GIIBsNNsUzoriLEYcYBxN5RQ89zVVpuqyX5sbE5TRVC3SS9n9iOw0-b1xHBO2lmeJsmkhVpDdvsMAQOk_a6PfG2lIAh6KEqYQ_tL/s200/be_my_butterfly.jpg" width="143" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Um, I beg to differ</td></tr>
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Anyhoo, we were sitting at the dining room table when they started <i>begging</i> me and the offspring to join them at the drop zone (That's where skydivers hope to arrive all in one piece, including bladder intact) that weekend.<br />
I being the brave creature I am said 'yeah,whatever...nothing else going on'.<br />
Then I took off my unicorn horn and floated gently through the ceiling...<br />
<br />
Ehm, back to reality<br />
I overheard them talking about taking a bachelor party out for lessons and immediately thought 'Drunk men plummeting to earth one after the other, this will be like a human version of the WKRP turkey fiasco! I have to be there to see this!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE9_AchGXTihrjVY3mwHjnHh-PZA28g_8bXec1ajxlNzKLwko8nOSw5HynNh41eMIvF3eNq1rk_vWkL2kU6ZwkT-SmPR-QA_TEkJLcv0AaQTuQPd3k_cQcHx-eMiauZI0QeKXxooAwf97C/s1600/wkrp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE9_AchGXTihrjVY3mwHjnHh-PZA28g_8bXec1ajxlNzKLwko8nOSw5HynNh41eMIvF3eNq1rk_vWkL2kU6ZwkT-SmPR-QA_TEkJLcv0AaQTuQPd3k_cQcHx-eMiauZI0QeKXxooAwf97C/s320/wkrp.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So did I bud, so did I...</td></tr>
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So a plan was arranged.<br />
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Later I shot out of bed in the middle of the night frantically shaking the frenchmen awake.<br />
'Whatthehell..?'<br />
'Did I just agree to the offspring and I jumping out of a plane today?'<br />
'Yeah'<br />
'Did I also plan to seek out Ryan Gosling's house and slip in via the attic window?'<br />
'Uh, no'<br />
'Damn it, just checking.'<br />
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Fast foward to me (Seriously, am thinking the Muffin Man in the sky accidentally leaned on the fast forward button 'cause I don't remember anything from waking to 6 pm) and the 18 yr old offspring (OS) sitting on top of two men in a 3 * 5 plane. I realize that sounds kind of creepy but that's because...well, it is.<br />
<br />
<i>(Note: This is also the day that the news was full of the 80 yr old woman that was skydiving almost fell out of her harness.)</i><br />
<br />
OS was behind me so I couldn't see or hear him but I was told later that he didn't say boo.<br />
I on the other hand, as we were flying up to heights only birds and sherpas should go too, couldn't shut my mouth.<br />
<br />
'Oh, that's a lovely view. Where perchance would that be?'<br />
'Oh my, this plane has a lot of stickers in it. What would your favorite one be?'<br />
'When did you know you wanted to do this for a living?<br />
<br />
Those were the sentences coming out of my mouth, as if I was having tea with the queen instead of in a deathtrap rattling around at over ten thousand feet.<br />
My inner voice was saying something else entirely.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioglvhlevpA8odIaVNAKsgCgO-n9IJVm8nNnvcrxNAcUVlkWnH-J-Il8aOJSpdyBGBmAI1uCNaiyIo9h_HHWW9UP54tb0sKn3BK8ku60qere41AyXPj7E9XOaiXM0m8EO3seVgtUjIbcqM/s1600/scream.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioglvhlevpA8odIaVNAKsgCgO-n9IJVm8nNnvcrxNAcUVlkWnH-J-Il8aOJSpdyBGBmAI1uCNaiyIo9h_HHWW9UP54tb0sKn3BK8ku60qere41AyXPj7E9XOaiXM0m8EO3seVgtUjIbcqM/s1600/scream.jpg" /></a></div>
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'FUCKITYFUCKFUCKFUCK!WHATIFTHERESALZHEIMERSINTHEFAMILYANDITSUDDENLYFLARESUPINMYTANDEMPARTNER!'<br />
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What came out was 'I'm feeling peckish, wouldn't a french macaroon be good right now?'<br />
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Go figure.<br />
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Time to jump arrives and I'm watching my OS being leaned out of the plane, He was asked if there was any last thing he wanted to say.<br />
(Instills confidence doesn't it?)<br />
'Yes, just one thing.'<br />
He looks at me and I'm starting to well up wondering what I should say in response to his definite sweet <strike>final </strike>words to his loving mother.<br />
'So what should I do with my mouth, cause if I keep it open any bug will tear me a new asshole in the back of my throat.'<br />
I felt no qualms in my last words to him being<br />
'Shut your mouth, boy'.<br />
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I laughed the whole way down.<br />
<br />
I have figured out that with offspring like mine every day is like a freefall skydive.<br />
Crazy and exhilerating but don't forget to close your mouth though 'cause no one needs a second asshole!<br />
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<br />Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-60529075345047669902012-05-20T10:13:00.000-07:002012-05-20T10:13:05.982-07:00Update on measurement nightmare...<br />
Half way measurements today for boot camp and so being the mature adult I am I have spent the morning avoiding them my staying under the covers and watching infomercials.<br />
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Infomercials are kind of a Sunday morning staple for me. <br />I'm especially interested in the exercise infomercials, INSANITY!!<br />
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A YEARS WORK OF EXERCISE RESULTS IN JUST TWO MONTHS! IT'S NOT CRAZY, ITS INSANITY!!<br />
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(See it's not just me that gets all shouty after exercise!)<br />
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You see that hot girl with the wicked abs who is covered in sweat swearing that she feels great and has lost 400lbs in two months and you think 'I could be like that too.'</div>
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(Anyone notice how I keep describing all these good looking girls in my posts? I think the boy toy has been away too long or else I have to start being around some uglier girls)<br />
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Anyhoo it got me to thinking that maybe I don't look as bad as I thought during a bootcamp class. </div>
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In a good day I think maybe I look like this<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk1Cv38ZutvjqIOVAzm8ttg9vV4c_19W-w71oN427Ea7_FGlfMuxLHK3xuXqkywkoqUdx7Z501Q5Wb3bL1hbdbjvUud11WV8Hoo9pBrdCGx9fswOVgwFEUOuw4ebjuZLk4PNezEbkzgVev/s1600/womansprinting.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk1Cv38ZutvjqIOVAzm8ttg9vV4c_19W-w71oN427Ea7_FGlfMuxLHK3xuXqkywkoqUdx7Z501Q5Wb3bL1hbdbjvUud11WV8Hoo9pBrdCGx9fswOVgwFEUOuw4ebjuZLk4PNezEbkzgVev/s200/womansprinting.jpg" width="137" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Boom! I am poetry in motion</td></tr>
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My 18 yr old offspring glancing over my shoulder to read this tells me that I actually look like this<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbdBQKJJ4UGUpQRFzW136SHKRqzgFEl38tR_K4xGDWTMBozz8I82EoQhufyiSvYCJSHIJXfJtlzHDlAtxZaEsuUsqhOUhbJGKj7KfhJWo6FCwXAPW14IuQhDBY9QVB20PPv5HX9vD4wC9I/s1600/bassetthound.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbdBQKJJ4UGUpQRFzW136SHKRqzgFEl38tR_K4xGDWTMBozz8I82EoQhufyiSvYCJSHIJXfJtlzHDlAtxZaEsuUsqhOUhbJGKj7KfhJWo6FCwXAPW14IuQhDBY9QVB20PPv5HX9vD4wC9I/s320/bassetthound.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jazusmotherofgod! When will this end!</td></tr>
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Since I have actually wiped away foam, <i>yes foam, </i>from my mouth during a work out I have a tendency to believe the latter.<br />
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So after measurements today there is 21 1/2inches less of me to love.<br />
<br />
Sounds like a lot but I might have <i>accidentally</i> bumped her elbow when she was copying down my stats and now I seem to have lost 12 inches off my arm instead of a 1/2.<br />
Also the fact that they now know that I respond to disappointment by getting kind of stabby they might have padded the numbers a bit too.<br />
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Four weeks down and have only briefly contemplated, during a horrible burpee incident, one surprise beat down behind the building for a certain instructor. (Just because you sometimes call burpees a different name doesn't make them hurt any less, for example if I call a beat down say.... a cheese cake, still gonna hurt.) <br />
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Cheesecake anyone?<br />
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</div>Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-51149165862634123322012-05-18T17:30:00.000-07:002012-05-18T17:30:34.938-07:00I want to know, never mind, yes I do, wait no I don't<br />
We live in an instant satisfaction kind of world, right?<br />
Don't we? Hello...don't we? ANSWER ME FOR GOD SAKE!!!<br />
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See what I mean, we have absolutely no patience anymore.<br />
But I bet you're thinking '<i>speak for yourself, Mel, I have oodles of patience. I have all the patience in the world, in fact...</i><br />
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Buuuullshit! You are such a LIAR and I'm going to drive over to your house right now and punch you in the kidney for being such a SHITTY LIAR. Do you hear that? That's the sound of ME knocking at your door bitc....<br />
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Okay, see now <i>that</i> was an example of anger not patience. Yes, I am seeing someone for that, a Dr. Morgan but on the weekends he must have a boat because he goes by Captain then. I think I may have to up my appointments to three times <strike>daily</strike> weekly.<br />
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The reason I bring this up is that I've now been at bootcamp for 3000 years (4 weeks) and have been going 176 hours a week (4 hrs) and we are having mid point measurements this weekend so I'm nervous.<br />
I've been eating healthy the whole millennium (28 days) I've been exercising. I'm scared to use the bathroom during bootcamp because with all the twigs and bark I've been eating and the friction from all of the sprints I'm afraid I might shit out a bonfire.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFRgRb7is6RYnrAEbKIEwH9d6LbwuNnFm8khVOi3xIG0RB_Mg4Fyd-4t1MHMcrEcH-OtLAWxKtfHVb7OCIQ8q0U3ecAt4m_Y1k2Gs03mK7iuJhMPL8fuBFt9cUPiasG31IVSUdPcUcrFtK/s1600/bonfire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="149" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFRgRb7is6RYnrAEbKIEwH9d6LbwuNnFm8khVOi3xIG0RB_Mg4Fyd-4t1MHMcrEcH-OtLAWxKtfHVb7OCIQ8q0U3ecAt4m_Y1k2Gs03mK7iuJhMPL8fuBFt9cUPiasG31IVSUdPcUcrFtK/s200/bonfire.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Okay, now that's just silly. I would only shit out a baby bonfire. You guys...</td></tr>
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As you may have realized from a previous post here (yeah, I have no idea how to link to other posts like normal bloggers so go look it up yourself) I kind of screwed up the initial measuring at the start of bootcamp.<div>
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I've seen those moments on Biggest Loser where they are sweating like a beast for seven days then they get on the scale and cue the crescendo music and NADA.</div>
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Nada is only good in two circumstances.</div>
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'Anymore red festering sores down there, doctor?"</div>
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Nada</div>
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'Any sign of a second line on that pregnancy test, Mr. One Night Stand?'</div>
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Nada</div>
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I'm afraid that if there is no change that A) I might hurt the poor measuring person (anger issues, see above) or B) I will just walk behind the counter at Jack's pizza and start scarfing half cooked pizza's yanked out of the oven with no care to the third degree burns or to sitting in the slammer overnight with a mix of tomato sauce and blood all over me. (Cause I will cut you if you get in between me and my pizza)</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMHDx9J-Y3R2oqxsgiScM1zaSx10PmZ8IvN7y8QPmX2EyTHDyL9L552hS9XA24FJbLJ4g92BnKHh7klu2CWtuVIu8nv7T3Gv3zXR6bjoMbShN31hsb-QIaJbqUNWKRJsrgW9cbs0vAzCue/s1600/pizza.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="149" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMHDx9J-Y3R2oqxsgiScM1zaSx10PmZ8IvN7y8QPmX2EyTHDyL9L552hS9XA24FJbLJ4g92BnKHh7klu2CWtuVIu8nv7T3Gv3zXR6bjoMbShN31hsb-QIaJbqUNWKRJsrgW9cbs0vAzCue/s200/pizza.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Little bird - 'I have a shiv under this wing sucker. You're going down!</td></tr>
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<br />To measure or not to measure, you'll know how I did by checking the crime section in the paper.</div>
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Adios fellow little birds.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div>
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</div>Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-21345637258642141012012-05-11T17:55:00.001-07:002012-05-11T17:55:54.488-07:00I sneezed out a tooth and other odd(my normal) thoughts this past week<br />
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<b>Bootcamp thought</b> - Okay Mel, push past the stroke symptoms, you are so not pissing yourself in front of these people...at least not until the fifth week<br />
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<b>Making dinner thought</b> -Made rice paper spring rolls for the first time- the 11 yr old offspring says, after taking a bite, "I can't figure out what you just fed me.... yup, it's a conundrum. (Yes, she actually does talk like that)<br />
I heard - "I figured out what you just fed me.... yup, it's a condom."<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsYheixQNWmSbIZ_cNGSS3Ye-qraU2A4t7f48wTCFgWdkwwScaW8oiYUd7DhKHU5VHIw_Kd8EF1OTMuIGCcUuj9Dl0U7-6jJkdZDUtPDIz1IcdFl_lwIlfha8IBN9L2rRWXu0vI0zQ7vk4/s1600/springrolls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="134" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsYheixQNWmSbIZ_cNGSS3Ye-qraU2A4t7f48wTCFgWdkwwScaW8oiYUd7DhKHU5VHIw_Kd8EF1OTMuIGCcUuj9Dl0U7-6jJkdZDUtPDIz1IcdFl_lwIlfha8IBN9L2rRWXu0vI0zQ7vk4/s200/springrolls.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">As if I would put THAT in my mouth but then for some reason if it's attached to a sweaty hairy man with danglers...<br />Seriously ladies/and some men, what is wrong with us?<br /></td></tr>
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<b>Computer thoughts</b>- Discussion with fellow blogger about the possibility of pair of grizzly bears doing a Tanya Harding take down on another more famous bear which for some reason made me feel quite smart.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq6Ep1AFZXQJEPnwIWor6tecwkufueGDLUkMD2mQ3NJOjPuBNh8tizZTIVE4dRfJ8mgSt7GBfQ0z1_pswPoDlTyB0urnT-o_rY0iqn1eL-aq7OhQYBMp8V_AYWheOYIOSuMyhPQGVcQYZc/s1600/bear.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq6Ep1AFZXQJEPnwIWor6tecwkufueGDLUkMD2mQ3NJOjPuBNh8tizZTIVE4dRfJ8mgSt7GBfQ0z1_pswPoDlTyB0urnT-o_rY0iqn1eL-aq7OhQYBMp8V_AYWheOYIOSuMyhPQGVcQYZc/s320/bear.jpg" width="212" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Poor bear was 'taken out' by mysterious drive- by days later.<br />True?<br />Yes<br />Coincidentally Tanya Harding owns a couple of bears that were upstaged by Bouncy Bear.<br />True? <br />No<br />Interesting if it were?<br /> HELL YEAH! </td></tr>
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<b>Random thoughts while driving</b> -If I can sneeze out a tooth (which I did by the way) then how come men can't fart out a testicle?<br />
You're really wanting a picture for this one, aren't you?<br />
Me too, if you can find one that fit's this randomly weird thought please go to the comment section and entertain me.<br />
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<b>Tha-tha- tha- that's all folks from the not quite AS porky as I used to be pig.</b><br />
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<br />Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-64046575521746813282012-05-04T17:00:00.000-07:002012-05-04T17:00:18.685-07:00I need a body kleenex..I started going to Bootcamp almost two weeks ago.<br />
Not the military one because you can't cry at those.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvsxu9BKNsfcYI42xDM2Fix2YI1R0vkrGUs3px1Fd1VHi4FXSO4LgEO2HYD_4nA5w2UUd2azpK4DdP-s8ZuXAXG0Nvnfu38FshHAXatP9rhwGXWF6LL1nVm-JjdG2WAFPGIAj0NZVa0JOR/s1600/military.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="140" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvsxu9BKNsfcYI42xDM2Fix2YI1R0vkrGUs3px1Fd1VHi4FXSO4LgEO2HYD_4nA5w2UUd2azpK4DdP-s8ZuXAXG0Nvnfu38FshHAXatP9rhwGXWF6LL1nVm-JjdG2WAFPGIAj0NZVa0JOR/s200/military.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I think this is the part where they talk about their feelings.</td></tr>
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And I cry at this one.<br />
A lot.<br />
Not through my eyes though because they are too busy frantically looking for an exit or hoping for someone to collapse just so we can all fake concern when really we're just thrilled to stop and catch our breath.<br />
<br />
Mostly through I cry through every other pore in my body.<br />
You're brain just said 'that's sweat, stupid arse' didn't it? <i>Didn't it?</i><br />
<br />
<i>DONT LIE TO ME!</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
Sorry. I'm hurting.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i><br /></i><br />
My body is weeping, like the ugly man boohooing kind of weeping.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj46t-lJdK2CkRci0dkORFLkW2ueJemGsLdnWmNDpTGPeP1L5KuZqgCPnX7XA38eDsFommwa71AFMhPIGB_6y4YkSZ7LVzp_k0JKPtAgWNAS4j09Kym72Kqz01wefNir30m9WEwri3ku2Jj/s1600/mancrying.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="199" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj46t-lJdK2CkRci0dkORFLkW2ueJemGsLdnWmNDpTGPeP1L5KuZqgCPnX7XA38eDsFommwa71AFMhPIGB_6y4YkSZ7LVzp_k0JKPtAgWNAS4j09Kym72Kqz01wefNir30m9WEwri3ku2Jj/s200/mancrying.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Okay, he's not so ugly but goddamn it! I'm in pain and this is my pain reliever<br />.</td></tr>
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My body really doesn't like what I'm doing to it for the past two weeks.<br />
I have to trick it to get to Bootcamp.<br />
<br />
Brain to Gut- Let's go visiting!<br />
<br />
Gut to Brains- Sweet! Where are we going? To see Ms. Couch...hmm,ya know she seems to kind of let herself go lately, saggy and lumpy in places. How about Mr. Bed? We can just lay down and chat for hours and hours-<br />
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B to G- Well, actually I thought we could go out for ice cream.<br />
<br />
G to B- Right on! I'm so getting a banana split with maybe some extra chocolate fud-<br />
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B to G- Sure, sure but first we have to just drop something off to a friend first.<br />
<br />
G to B- Whatever, so extra chocolate fuuuudge and nuts with like ten cherri...<br />
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B to G- Here we are!<br />
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G to B- WHATTHEFUCKISTHIS?<br />
<br />
B to G - Look it's your love for chocolate fudge and the like that got us like this so we're staying.<br />
G to B - NOFRICKINWAYYOUMEANSONOFA-<br />
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B to G- Gut?<br />
<br />
G to B- BITCH.YOUCANTMAKEME-<br />
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B to G- Gut, gut, GUT! Whose in charge here?<br />
<br />
G to B- GODDAMNIT!<br />
<br />
Five minutes later<br />
G to B- I'm...so...going...to get....oh,god...fries...with that....banana split.<br />
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B to G- Uh yeah. about that....<br />
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<br />Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-1491064850085504552012-04-30T10:08:00.001-07:002012-04-30T10:24:12.412-07:00Seeing a lot of sitting and laying down in future...<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">My 18 year old offspring is getting ready to send out his resume for a summer job to help pay for his second year of university.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">That sentence above should make any <strike>master</strike> mother happy right? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i>University</i>- woohoo</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i>Job</i>- woohoo squared</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">But yet I still hold off on the naked jiggly dance around the camp fire.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">(Look we all have our ways to express happiness, that just happens to be mine so don't judge!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Why, you ask, do I hold off ? Just a feeling I have.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">(I know you're actually asking for a video of naked jiggly dance but that ain't gonna happen so follow along.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIADF05jmuViuKdrXU5nyIJHqwQwhSyKBxBBfOHNlLWKjKiZdB-4ISarWrCVjgn4najAKNDAoKi5HL2PbFD3B2OIM80tp0ajaTaHSSGLirzcOQrDcfyhsLpqDi66iT4dzBNaYZE0i6j2tj/s1600/nice+dance.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIADF05jmuViuKdrXU5nyIJHqwQwhSyKBxBBfOHNlLWKjKiZdB-4ISarWrCVjgn4najAKNDAoKi5HL2PbFD3B2OIM80tp0ajaTaHSSGLirzcOQrDcfyhsLpqDi66iT4dzBNaYZE0i6j2tj/s200/nice+dance.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You're thinking I look like this</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1ufowrW6tnXDlspZG6s2_F1_9CwdmZT2VTzn3zvbSCN_xFdoZA7f67pGIx64tqqkUqHwiRnZHzEoqRcpXVeiohRc4VHFLjU4Rl0x0yXSo0JH3bFHwIu0_1bvScCbnTMcBSe69Vj38Bfda/s1600/real+fire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1ufowrW6tnXDlspZG6s2_F1_9CwdmZT2VTzn3zvbSCN_xFdoZA7f67pGIx64tqqkUqHwiRnZHzEoqRcpXVeiohRc4VHFLjU4Rl0x0yXSo0JH3bFHwIu0_1bvScCbnTMcBSe69Vj38Bfda/s200/real+fire.jpg" width="160" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yup, that's more like it.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">So I decided to have a quick glance at this piece of paper that is supposed to inspire employers to hire him.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></i></b><br />
<u><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Work Experience</span></u><br />
<u><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Employed by Town of Stratford 2011 Summer Employment</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">(<i>Okay sounds good so far, right?</i>)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Title - none</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">(<i>Hmm, well just a minor change there</i>)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i>(This is where it gets good</i>)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Job details - Lots of standing up and down....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">After I laid down for an hour wondering what you wear to a graduation from Smartass college where he will be valedictorian at the rate he is going, I went to chat with him about his resume.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">M- Read your resume</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">OS- Mmph</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">M- Did you happen to reread it?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">OS- Yeah it looks good.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">M- Really? Do you <i>reeeally</i> think so?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">OS- It all fit on one page didn't it?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">M- Last time I checked that wasn't a prerequisite for a good resume.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">OS- You should check again then shouldn't you?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">M- You can't put "Lots of standing up and down" as a job description! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">OS- But that's what I did.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">M- You groomed walking trails and parks and painted buildings.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">OS- Which involved mostly standing. up. and down.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">M- But ..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">OS- Mom, would you hire someone if they lied to you at first meeting?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">M- No, but..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">OS- Thank you. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">End of conversation.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I'm not even going to end this post as I'm busy doing lot's of sitting and laying down.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Don't judge, it seems to be a popular job description.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Welcome to your future caretakers Generation X!</span><br />
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<br />Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-53135336900474394462012-04-24T05:02:00.003-07:002012-04-24T05:04:48.610-07:00Pretty sure I woke up to the cat in my ear saying 'Don't move, trust me it will hurt!' Sadly enough the cat talking to me wasn't the scary part.<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">I signed up for Bootcamp last weekend and for some reason I was very excited. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">I arrived at sign up day like the first day of high school. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">But first I spent an hour getting ready to make myself look like I've spent no time at all getting ready.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">Then I arrived a couple of minutes early but parked far away so no one knows that I'm a big loser who has nothing else to do. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">Then I started to rethink that strategy while hiding in my car eating the piece of Mars bar I found under the seat, 'Maybe I should rush in like "I have WAY better things to do with my uber importante- </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">(For some reason when I lie, I start pulling every word in a different language into the conversation, you have now seen 50% of them)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">- time than this but I'm here now so <b>let's get this show on the road!"</b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">Hmm, they might figure out I'm fibbing a bit as I have forgotten to take off my Elmo slippers. Dang it!</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">"Are you here to sign up for Bootcamp?', asks a perfectly lovely girl.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">"No, I'm just looking. Do you have ankle boots in a size 8.5?', says nervous smart arse girl.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Deafening silence</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"> (Turns out you lose your sense of humor when you are a size 2, may have to rethink this.)</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">'Just fill out this 2 page form and make sure to fill out everything'</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Inner brain -Duh, I'm not 6 lady, I've filled out forms before.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">After having been passed back said form 4 times to fill out missed questions have decided to quiet inner snarky brain.</span></span></div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">'Okay, now we are going to take your measurements.'</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Now I know these are the 'before' measurements and anyone with a normal brain would let it all 'hang out' ala Jabba the Hut when getting this done.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Note I said 'normal'.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Eek! She touched my stomach, SUCK IN!</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Eek! She touched my butt, CLENCH!</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Eek! She touched my thigh...hey, that kind of feels goo.. anyhoo, measuring done.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Likewise with the before picture.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">I was all Jessica Rabbiting the modeling shoot.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">'Um Miss, excuse me? We just want one profile shot, so you can take your leg off of Mr. Zakem as he's our janitor and not our male model.'</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">So aside from that I went home to get ready for the actual first work out the next day.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Woohoo, ready to wow everyone with my inner cardio Goddess!~</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></div>
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</div>
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">Mel at Bootcamp </span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">Inner brain talking - Holy crap, can't believe I did it. I'm sweating like a pig, kind of feel nauseous but I did it! Now where's my water bottle and outdoor shoe...wait, the dictator/instructor is saying something</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">"Okay, so you've all picked out your spots so let's start the warm up!"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">Inner brain again- Yes, moron, walking from the door to the other side of the room to set down your water bottle does not constitute a work out.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">I might be in trouble.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><br /></span>Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-3690547298571352592012-04-21T16:05:00.000-07:002012-04-21T16:05:30.662-07:00I like relationships...as long as it doesn't involve marriage, living together all the time, talking a lot, doing things toge....ok, you get me.<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Background story on me.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I was married before in my early twenties.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggBEWIxDbuyaAwSJR_LIu0BMN777q-fFOQMMnPYKbH5iNmf9rHk4940dIC4YH7leOKFrqrJmQfgiFzaptiuaMJyw0NwquMLasFTwTIfZw5y3X1y9Su_Pjahwn5fFgfNbHeIHJXpZBxqGDa/s1600/Bride+and+Groom+Back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggBEWIxDbuyaAwSJR_LIu0BMN777q-fFOQMMnPYKbH5iNmf9rHk4940dIC4YH7leOKFrqrJmQfgiFzaptiuaMJyw0NwquMLasFTwTIfZw5y3X1y9Su_Pjahwn5fFgfNbHeIHJXpZBxqGDa/s200/Bride+and+Groom+Back.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Shocking! That never happens! Inform the pope!Call the media!!</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Aah shaddup!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I was married for exactly one month per every hundred I spent on my wedding dress.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">($1800 for you noseybots who just have to know everything.)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I kind of knew it wouldn't last right from the start of the wedding. No that's not a misprint, I knew waiting at the back of the church when I got pissed off when that damn organ music interrupted a funny story I was telling my maid of honor. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Also three other things that day kind of tipped me off.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">1)When I winked at a cute guy on my way down the aisle</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">2)Then when I told my hubby to 'relax, stop being so emotional' during his speech </span><span style="font-size: large;">at the reception.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">3)And finally when I asked my bridesmaids if they wanted to go out to the bars after the party..um, reception.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I kind of knew I wasn't the type to get married since I was little.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I was never wanted to be a princess, I never watched the Disney movies where princesses met Mr. Wonderful and lived happily ever after.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I think of Snow White now and all I can think is 'Ditch the wanker in the snooty outfit, sweetheart. You have seven men at the perfect height for some menage et huit back in the woods'.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I am just not the normal traditional relationship kind of gal.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I've now been engaged for over 8 years now, and the only reason I am is that the frenchmen came to my work and dropped to his knee in front of all my coworkers.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"Mel, will you marry me?"from the frenchmen .</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">'Oooohhhh' from the collectively teary coworkers.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">'Fuuuuuucking bastaaaard!!' from the inside of my brain.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I could have said only two things at that moment.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">1) Uh, No! </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">2) Whatever</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Picture this.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I'm surrounded by my middle aged coworkers (myself included in that age) who have all been married for numerous years and so their hubbies are probably not hitting high up on the romantic meter anymore, so they are lapping this up like dogs to antifreeze.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">(I'm not calling you dogs, ladies, you're beeyootiful!)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">They're looking at me with their hands over their mouths ready to shriek with joy awaiting my response.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">What do I do? </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Say 'Uh, No!' then watch him struggle to get up off his knees, and shuffle off in shock and then endure the looks and whispers at work for the rest of my days there.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">So I said, Whatever...</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Then while he hugged me I gave him a sharp punch in the kidneys just to let him know how incredibly 'happy' I was that he had done that.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">To this day the girls at work always bring up that the frenchmen was so happy that day that he was actually weak </span><span style="font-size: large;">at the knees.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">He and I always smile knowing just a little bit differently...</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We each have a little momento from that 'happy' day</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I am now stuck wearing this gold ring forever.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">He is stuck having to pee a little bit longer forever.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3760997982031282949.post-59476257088083555942012-04-01T12:33:00.004-07:002012-09-08T14:59:29.686-07:00Remember that saying 'With knowledge comes power', then how do you account for Jersey Shore?I've never actually seen Jersey Shore...<br />
<br />
I've also never seen goat porn but am guessing I wouldn't pick either for t.v night.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a class="vt-p" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbiq7H3A0sXbUQyutp0BxU4nJlwFtZi5pVg0tx5B8qW0z_PiWFCrOB1tPgRJr67ggRp54fhh8x5hS_W7Y0nnKr9rTb1MNQWlKdtWWKmYFJc5AIjdB7SzyOdT3w52bqvnhcj-jBu0LgTURw/s1600/goat+p.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="149" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbiq7H3A0sXbUQyutp0BxU4nJlwFtZi5pVg0tx5B8qW0z_PiWFCrOB1tPgRJr67ggRp54fhh8x5hS_W7Y0nnKr9rTb1MNQWlKdtWWKmYFJc5AIjdB7SzyOdT3w52bqvnhcj-jBu0LgTURw/s200/goat+p.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(I don't think we are doing this right, do you?)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I have seen the Duggars in action and kind of view them like I'd view E.T.<br />
<br />
<br />
Cute on t.v. but I'd probably pee myself if any of them showed up at my door.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a class="vt-p" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIVotLX0szWRyhSxB7zzDIgyS-LOplu9DGZ8EoteQmK7PMWJkfbgEj2tSs8PJ_Tdgs3qQdJZDCRX8Y2hss_fL2ViLa4H7FZ5xMiQGk-dor0GJeQDIIpPUsj5IWAM7tPa14DLYCPD6W_OUp/s1600/et.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIVotLX0szWRyhSxB7zzDIgyS-LOplu9DGZ8EoteQmK7PMWJkfbgEj2tSs8PJ_Tdgs3qQdJZDCRX8Y2hss_fL2ViLa4H7FZ5xMiQGk-dor0GJeQDIIpPUsj5IWAM7tPa14DLYCPD6W_OUp/s200/et.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(Hmm, nice and chunky..he'd be good in a stew)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The Duggars seem to pride themselves on their children's innocence but I wonder how they'd fare when their out on their own.<br />
I try to picture what it would be like for some poor bastard trying to forewarn them about some of the things they might see when their away from Ma and Pa Duggar.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a class="vt-p" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieQ9lXw1_D1XEOnqFuQkw8ruiM53Q9gIYBWKfvYl_pKnG3VXeE08nZgruXr2V55_r4hlS9BcupMpy0mRw4NUG9c3sZ6Iio8SemChH3oHG-5EO_0bTrluvRlExmYhDCjM9WeDhBX4GvDP4Y/s1600/duggarskids.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieQ9lXw1_D1XEOnqFuQkw8ruiM53Q9gIYBWKfvYl_pKnG3VXeE08nZgruXr2V55_r4hlS9BcupMpy0mRw4NUG9c3sZ6Iio8SemChH3oHG-5EO_0bTrluvRlExmYhDCjM9WeDhBX4GvDP4Y/s320/duggarskids.jpg" width="272" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(Is everyone here?)<br />
(I don't know, it was your turn to count them)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<span style="line-height: 32px;"><br /></span>
<span style="line-height: 32px;">Try explaining the Jersey Shore show to the Duggar kids.</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 32px;"></span><br /><span style="line-height: 32px;"></span>
<i style="line-height: 200%;">Hi everybody, this is a show called Jersey Shore.</i><br />
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“Oh,
did that poor girl get beaten because she is a lady of the evening?”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>Nope, that's
Snookie and thats just her normal makeup”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“I
like Sesame Street too!”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>No, it's
Snookie not Cookie”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“Umm..who
is that?”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>He is called
'the situation'.”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“Umm...why
would his parents call him that?”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>He gave
himself that name”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“So
how do you call him? Do you say 'excuse me, Mr. The Situation'?”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“ <i>I don't think
that anyone in Jersey ever says 'excuse me'.” </i>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“But
what do they say if they're wrong or bumps into someone?”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>They never
think they are wrong in Jersey and would probably beat you in front
of cameras if you bumped into you.”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Minute
pause</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“May
I go back to praying now?”</div>
<br />
<br />
Or trying to explain the Duggars to the Jersey Shore cast.<br />
<span style="line-height: 32px;"><br /></span>
<span style="line-height: 200%;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“Who's that, a new gang?”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>No, its just one family”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“Who
is that guy that is always around?”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>That is what
they call a 'father'.”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“Hunh,
but what's he doing there?”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>He lives
there”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“On
his days with the kids...”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>No, no all the
time.”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“Well,
what is he saying to all those kids?”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>It's called
'talking' to them.”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“But
I can barely hear him!”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>He isn't
yelling.”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“But
how do they know which one he is talking to?”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>He says their
name and before you ask, yes he does know them all.”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“Okay,
wait. What's that thing under their head?”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>That would be
their neck”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“Why
would they leave the back of their heads exposed like that though?
The father will have no problem cuffing them now.”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>He doesn't hit
them.”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“Ooh,lost
his arms in Iraq?”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>No, he just
doesn't hit them”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“But
then what do they bitch to their friends about in school?”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>They don't go
to school, they're homeschooled.”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“But
where do they go to show off their abs or new D&G skirt?</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>They aren't
allowed to show off their abs and almost all of their clothes are
second hand.”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“Second
hand..? Does this have something to do with their fathers arms not
working?”</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<i>No, their
father lives with them,his arms work, he doesn't hit them upside the
head, they are homeschooled and they can't wear clothes that expose
anything.”</i></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a class="vt-p" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibXh4FF1BztQu_oaZlKzy6oGq8XT5hoaSARqvr0WCMMgUzMTfcyMTCaI1QX0cS9AgQQfEvl5LYM96_bEQlAMB23pchk9Ocxid8-n7jZQhYCQb9wA7ZecWDQYzb-G-7eO7R7GcOC0Br6yRv/s1600/jersey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="149" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibXh4FF1BztQu_oaZlKzy6oGq8XT5hoaSARqvr0WCMMgUzMTfcyMTCaI1QX0cS9AgQQfEvl5LYM96_bEQlAMB23pchk9Ocxid8-n7jZQhYCQb9wA7ZecWDQYzb-G-7eO7R7GcOC0Br6yRv/s200/jersey.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(Is this a drinking game?)</td></tr>
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Confused
silence.</div>
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“Turn
this off, I dont like these freaks who all want to be build homes and
have a second hand under their clothes.”</div>
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“<i>No, no! They
are schooled at home not about homes....ugh, nevermind.”</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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After rereading this post, am feeling bad for the poor goats so am sending them video of Debbie does Dallas to give them a clue.</div>
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Great now picturing goats in cheerleading uniforms._</div>
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<br />Melissa Murphyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03835453595577507826noreply@blogger.com1