Saturday, 16 June 2012

Things learned today...claustrophobic vagina's and footy p.j's don't help in making me a better writer.

I'm at a writer's retreat this weekend.
At times I'm not sure if I should be here 'cause I'm kind of cheating.
No,no! Not cheating cheating like with another guy.

(Not with another girl either as none of them are my in 'they have vagina's' kind of type. I have no problem with the vajayjay but I think it has to do with my being claustrophobic that I like things that stick out as opposed to enclose you.)

You thought this comic would have something to do with lesbians or  claustrophobic vaginas, didn't you?
Nah, it's just funny.

Anyhoo, I've listened to the other writers at the retreat talk about what they are working on
One is going back and editing her first draft. Awesome!
One is trying to decide if she should make her book into two different ones she has so many ideas. Great!
One is using multi-media  in her book. Uber artistic in every way. (No sarcasm meant there, she actually is.)
And so on...

Then there is me...♪doobydoobydoonotdoinganythingbutlookinggooddoingit.♪

First things first, let's get the important parts done.
I do have the look of the writer down pat.

Just like that except with boobs.
#1. Frown on forehead like I am writing the Magna carta (don't ask me what that is but it sounds important).

#2. Hunched over computer like their is nothing more important than getting this amazing story down immediately. (Hey, I just got poked on Facebook! I better poke her right back or .....I'd better do something more important. Oh, look lolcatz!)

#3. Gazing off into space and organising different plot lines in my head. (Yup, it's definitely the claustrophobia problem that is keeping me with the male side of the species.)

I'm surrounded by pens and paper and have studiously written down some key points.

#1. These chairs are uncomfortable and hard so if I fart the sound won't be muffled and they'll  know its me.
#2. How many times can I get up to go to the bathroom without the others thinking I have a coke problem.
#3. I wonder if there's a set aside nap time like in day care?

Oh, I haven't actually done anything to do with becoming a better writer. Pshaaw! Please!
What do you think I'm trying to do here?
Oh...that's right.

We did have a content editor, Netta, skype in to give us some information on some do's and don'ts before sending your first draft into an editor.
She was as funny as church which is a big compliment in my mind.
(Come on, church is hilarious! The guy is up there in a leftover Liberace muumuu  giving us 'the body of christ' to munch on... does no one else want to ask for it ' medium rare please' when he holds it out in front of you? 
Really, no one?)
Do you want mushrooms and onions with that?

So I'm glancing around at everyone furiously scribbling down everything Netta is saying and all I can think is she sounds like Betty Rubble when she laughs and I want to move to St. Louis and hang out by the pool with her telling jokes so she'll keep laughing.

Then she asks if anyone has any questions and of course when I realise that no one else's questions involve  watching either a marathon session of Vampire Diaries or WKRP in Cincinnati  in footie pajamas, I start to panic.
Yay! You picked WKRP, I knew we were destined to be friends!

Of course being the person I am, calm and cool under pressure I did what any normal person would do.

I proceeded to flash her.


A slow motion accidental one but a definite flash none the less.


Yeeeaah....I don't think I need to say how it happened. Anyone who has read previous posts of mine know that the word normalcy is not something ever in connection with mine.

So the thing's I have learned so far at this writer's retreat are as follows.

#1. Every body part of mine is claustrophobic, not just my brain.

#2. The answer is that it is 4 times you can go to the bathroom before they call Dr. Drew.

#3. Adults in footie pajamas who flash people they just met tend to not make new friends easily.

Off to cheat some more, blogarilla's.


  1. Claustrophobic body parts? I'm sure there must be therapy for that.

    1. There is, it's called vino and chocolate and smurf porn( which is just regular smurfs but seriously the girl doesn't have on undergarments and is constantly being 'rescued and hugged by 100 men'.

  2. The flash was the highlight for me. And I don't have a pool, and most of my jokes are lame, but I pretty much laugh at just about anything because life is just SO. DAMNED. FUNNY.

    In other words, you're welcome to visit any time and I promise not to suffocate you with my vagina.


    1. Netta, just read your open letter to Natertater and am hoping to copy and paste it to Matt Bomer with a few changes.
      Yes, yes, I know he is gay but I can work with that if he can.
      P.S. Quick hello to your vajaja and a thanks for the promise of non suffocation.