Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Will never look at Thumper and Flipper quite the same again

Bootcamp, bootcamp,bootcamp....blahblahblah, does she talk about anything else?
Notice she doesn't have any pictures up of herself showing her results of all this bootcamping. 
I'm so moving on from this blog, it is getting kind of  bori-


I'm sorry, what was that?


Baking powder? (42 1/2 points to whoever gets that movie reference)


Okay, attention has returned. Very good class! Now we will talk about the history of the lightening bug and it's effect on the ecosystem...no? You sure? Back to the sextoys? Fine.

I am the Sammy Davis Jr of bugs.
Yeah, baby yeah
My rear end lights up, that's pretty sexy right?

Usually there is a reason to bring up sex toys at a party.
Bachelorette parties
Swingers parties
Grandma's 90th birthday party.

My reason is that I was invited to a Bachelorette party over the weekend.
(Will discuss other parties on some other post.)

My first thought when invited was:

Rowwrrr...yeah, no. There is something off here.
Hmmph, can't decide if it's the delightful socks he's wearing
Or the fact that he's about 75 that is just not doing it for me.
Yeah, it's the socks.

Yaaay, I'll get my money folded in advance and start yodeling so my throat won't give out on me mid delighted scream. Right now I'm squeezing stress balls so my hands won't cramp up when I - 

Sorry, what's that? Ha, no really.....oh, you're serious.
Ok, so there isn't going to be a stripper. 
You're going to have what instead?
There is going to be a 50 yr old lady holding up dildos and repeatedly saying the word clitoris with a lisp instead?

Yeah, that's pretty much the same.

"Hi! My name is Sex Lady"
"Hello, my name is Mel-"
"Did you know that I came four times last night because of this uber gel?"
"Hunh, that is... nice?"
"Did you know that my husband and I have multipl-"
 "Oh, excuse me my phone is ringing"
"I don't hear anything"
"My ringtone is a dog whistle so you wouldn't hear it. I better take this outside, um... you have to meet my friend Cathy, she'd love to hear that story."

Sacrifice of a friend so as not to hear anymore orgasm stories from strangers...priceless.

We are supposed to have one hand out for lispy sex lady to put lotions on that cool down or heat up nicely in the hooha region. 
Strictly told to not lick that hand.
Other hand is put out for her to put down under munchable spreads on.
"Pleassse lick away ladiessss" says lispy sex lady.
Suddenly not hungry one iota.

(Hey, did I mention how much better this is than a stripper. Yeehaaw!)

My drunk friend to my left keeps mixing up her munchable and non munchable hands and has proceeded to think that she is having allergic reactions to everything while on my right is the young one who keeps watching my reaction to see what she should be thinking.
Am very tempted to do a When Harry met Sally table moment to mess with her.

Decided have already sacrificed one friend to Ms. Munchable orgasm lady, and don't have a lot of friends left who will admit to knowing me.

Lispy labia lady has finished her speech and now is the time you're supposed to  spend $400 on various toys that I can't get past the names of  let along figure out how to use. 
I mean when dressing I regularly try to push my head through the arm hole, so imagine where I would accidentally  put some of these things.

Me at Hospital- I have a Dolphin stuck in my (fill in the blank)
Nurse- Sorry?
M- I have a Dolphin stuck in my (you know the drill) and he is not being 'a diver's best friend' right now.
Nurse- Um, but shouldn't that go in your-
M- ...that's where the wrong end of the rabbit is. Can we just deal with Thumper at another time?

Bet you wished I talked about Bootcamp?
On the plus side any time you watch Bambi you'll be giggling over everything Thumper says.
 You're welcome.
Now remember when you comment about this:

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Pet sanskrit, birthday carnage and I really want some M&M's NOW!.

There is a lot of blogs out there giving advice because as you all know if you have at least one working finger and  a computer then you must be an expert.
(Probably not on snapping your fingers, what with having only one fing...well, you know what I mean.)

So I have decided to post the one thing I know for sure to be absolute.

Do I know the sun will come up tomorrow? Nope, could be the dawn of the M&M for all we know.
Can an M&M really shake his booty that well to 'I'm sexy and I know it'? Only the non naked M&M knows.
She's made out of chocolate
Can talk without a neck
Her eyebrows float in mid air
Yet, she needs glasses?

Can you tell I really want M&M's...

Sorry, back to the exciting announcement!
So here it is.
The one thing I know FOR SURE!  

Do not forget your pet's birthday.

Can you read that?
I'm scared to put it any bigger just in case Crazeecat comes along behind me and reads this.
It is now 6 -3 in favor of the animals in our house and they have a lot of pointy bits poking out of everywhere with no fear of using them.

You're probably wondering why I felt the need to warn you all.
Actually I don't care if you were wondering or not I'm going to tell you either way.

Apparently we missed Sally the dog's birthday today.

Ummm.....Yaaa, ya did!


No awww's!
Not allowed!!

She had a grand time, she took herself to a little restaurant called the compost bin and had a delightful supper of sausages, three day old burnt marshmallow and horseradish.
Then she decided to do a little Sarah 101 and redecorated the kitchen with the less unappetizing bits from the compost.
(To find pictures of things a dog would find unappealing from a compost bin, Google rotting zebra carcass after a week in a lions stomach. Picture that as your birthday cake and then think about what would be considered garbage compared to that.)

Sally then settled in for a comedy show after enjoying her dinner.

This is my comedy show hat....not it's not supposed to be  cute or funny.
It's just a damn fine hat, yeesh!

She watched as the owner (moi) asked the offspring in a sweet manner (shrieked) to take the Crazee cat
out of the kitchen down to the den to keep him from ruining Sally's masterpiece.
Said offspring then slipped in unseen fecal matters (resulted from clashing marshmallow and horseradish in my delicate flower Sally's stomach.) while carrying Crazeecat down the stairs.
Crazeecat decided that he must be falling over a cliff instead of slipping 3 feet off the ground and decided since death was just around the corner that he would practice his Sanskirt etchings up and down the offpsrings arm.
Besides transcribing Sanskrit, he also a fine phlebotamist
and makes a jimdandy cappuccino! 

(We think he was trying to draw the picture of the rotting zebra carcass for you all, 'cause he's just that darn sweet!)

Sally laughed so hard at this she decided to share this by telling everyone loudly and repeatedly at the open window.

Betty, the birthday girl's mom decided that she was a
little embarrassed of her daughter.
So she decided to remind me of her upcoming birthday by
depositing a little reminder(about a gallons worth) just so all this won't happen again.
Thoughtful, isn't she?

So what are your absolute's that you feel free to send out in the universe?
Comment below so I know what kind of experts are checking up on my blog.

गूद्निघ्त (Sanskrit for  Goodnight, see what CrazeeCat has taught us!)