Monday, 30 April 2012

Seeing a lot of sitting and laying down in future...

My 18 year old offspring is getting ready to send out his resume for a summer job to help pay for his second year of university.

That sentence above should make any master mother happy right? 

University- woohoo
Job- woohoo squared

But yet I still hold off on the naked jiggly dance around the camp fire.
(Look we all have our ways to express happiness, that just happens to be mine so don't judge!)
Why, you ask, do I hold off ? Just a feeling I have.
(I know you're actually asking for a video of naked jiggly dance but that ain't gonna happen so follow along.)

You're thinking I look like this
Yup, that's more like it.

So I decided to have a quick glance at this piece of paper that is supposed to inspire employers to hire him.

Work Experience

Employed by Town of Stratford  2011 Summer Employment
(Okay sounds good so far, right?)

Title - none
(Hmm, well just a minor change there)

(This is where it gets good)
Job details - Lots of standing up and down....

After I laid down for an hour wondering what you wear to a  graduation from Smartass college where he will be valedictorian at the rate he is going,  I went to chat with him about his resume.

M- Read your resume
OS- Mmph
M- Did you happen to reread it?
OS- Yeah it looks good.
M- Really? Do you reeeally think so?
OS- It all fit on one page didn't it?
M- Last time I checked that wasn't a prerequisite for a good resume.
OS- You should check again then shouldn't you?
M- You can't put "Lots of standing up and down" as a job description! 
OS- But that's what I did.
M- You groomed walking trails and parks and painted buildings.
OS- Which involved mostly standing.   up.   and   down.
M- But ..
OS- Mom, would you hire someone if they lied to you at first meeting?
M- No, but..
OS- Thank you. 
End of conversation.

I'm not even going to end this post as I'm busy doing lot's of sitting and laying down.
Don't judge, it seems to be a  popular job description.
Welcome to your future caretakers Generation X!

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Pretty sure I woke up to the cat in my ear saying 'Don't move, trust me it will hurt!' Sadly enough the cat talking to me wasn't the scary part.

I signed up for Bootcamp last weekend and for some reason I was very excited.  
I arrived at sign up day like the first day of high school. 
But first I spent an hour getting ready to make myself look like I've spent no time at all getting ready.
Then I arrived a couple of minutes early but parked far away so no one knows that I'm a big loser who has nothing else to do. 
Then I started to  rethink that strategy while hiding in my car eating the piece of Mars bar I found under the seat, 'Maybe I should rush in like "I have WAY better things to do with my uber importante- 

(For some reason when I lie, I start pulling every word in a different language into the conversation, you have now seen 50% of them)

- time than this but I'm here now so let's get this show on the road!"
Hmm, they might figure out I'm fibbing a bit as I have forgotten to take off my Elmo slippers. Dang it!

"Are you here to sign up for Bootcamp?', asks a perfectly lovely girl.
"No, I'm just looking. Do you have ankle boots in a size 8.5?', says nervous smart arse girl.
Deafening silence
 (Turns out you lose your sense of humor when you are a size 2, may have to rethink this.)

'Just fill out this 2 page form and make sure to fill out everything'
Inner brain -Duh, I'm not 6 lady, I've filled out forms before.
After having been passed back said form 4 times to fill out missed questions have decided to quiet inner snarky brain.

'Okay, now we are going to take your measurements.'
Now I know these are the 'before' measurements and anyone with a normal brain would let it all 'hang out' ala Jabba the Hut when getting this done.
Note I said 'normal'.

Eek! She touched my stomach, SUCK IN!
Eek! She touched my butt, CLENCH!
Eek! She touched my thigh...hey, that kind of feels goo.. anyhoo, measuring done.

Likewise with the before picture.
I was all Jessica Rabbiting the modeling shoot.
'Um Miss, excuse me? We just want one profile shot, so you can take your leg off of Mr. Zakem as he's our janitor and not our male model.'

So aside from that I went home to get ready for the actual first work out the next day.
Woohoo, ready to wow everyone with my inner cardio Goddess!~

Mel at Bootcamp 

Inner brain talking - Holy crap, can't believe I did it. I'm sweating like a pig, kind of feel nauseous but I did it! Now where's my water bottle and outdoor shoe...wait, the dictator/instructor is saying something

"Okay, so you've all picked out your spots so let's start the warm up!"

Inner brain again- Yes, moron, walking from the door to the other side of the room to set down your water bottle does not constitute a work out.

I might be in trouble.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

I like long as it doesn't involve marriage, living together all the time, talking a lot, doing things toge....ok, you get me.

Background story on me.
I was married before in my early twenties.

Shocking! That never happens! Inform the pope!Call the media!!

Aah shaddup!

I was married for exactly one month per every hundred I spent on my wedding dress.

($1800 for you noseybots who just have to know everything.)

I kind of knew it wouldn't last right from the start of the wedding.  No that's not a misprint, I knew waiting at the back of the church when I got pissed off when that damn organ music interrupted a funny story I was telling my maid of honor. 

Also three other things that day kind of tipped me off.

1)When I winked at a cute guy on my way down the aisle

2)Then when I told my hubby to 'relax, stop being so emotional' during his speech at the reception.
3)And finally when I asked my bridesmaids if they wanted to go out to the bars after the, reception.

I kind of knew I wasn't the type to get married since I was little.

I was never wanted to be a princess, I never watched the Disney movies where princesses met Mr. Wonderful and lived happily ever after.

I think of Snow White now and all I can think is 'Ditch the wanker in the snooty outfit, sweetheart. You have seven men at the perfect height for some menage et huit back in the woods'.

I am just not the normal traditional relationship kind of gal.

I've now been engaged for over 8 years now, and the only reason I am is that the frenchmen came to my work and dropped to his knee in front of all my coworkers.

"Mel, will you marry me?"from the frenchmen .

'Oooohhhh' from the collectively teary coworkers.

'Fuuuuuucking bastaaaard!!' from the inside of my brain.

I could have said only two things at that moment.
1) Uh, No! 
2) Whatever

Picture this.

I'm surrounded by my middle aged coworkers (myself included in that age) who have all been married for numerous years and so their hubbies are probably not hitting high up on the romantic meter anymore, so they are lapping this up like dogs to antifreeze.
(I'm not calling you dogs, ladies, you're beeyootiful!)
They're looking at me with their hands over their mouths ready to shriek with joy awaiting my response.

What do I do? 

Say 'Uh, No!' then watch him struggle to get up off his knees, and shuffle off in shock and then endure the looks and whispers at work for the rest of my days there.

So I said, Whatever...
Then while he hugged me I gave him a sharp punch in the kidneys just to let him know how incredibly 'happy' I was that he had done that.

To this day the girls at work always bring up that the frenchmen was so happy that day that he was actually weak at the knees.
He and I always smile knowing just a little bit differently...

We each have a little momento from that 'happy' day
I am now stuck wearing this  gold ring forever.
He is stuck having to pee a little bit longer forever.

Sunday, 1 April 2012

Remember that saying 'With knowledge comes power', then how do you account for Jersey Shore?

I've never actually seen Jersey Shore...

I've also never seen goat porn but am guessing I wouldn't pick either for t.v night.
(I don't think we are doing this right, do you?)

I have seen the Duggars in action and kind of view them like I'd view E.T.

Cute on t.v. but I'd probably pee myself if any of them showed up at my door.
(Hmm, nice and chunky..he'd be good in a stew)
The Duggars seem to pride themselves on their children's innocence but I wonder how they'd fare when their out on their own.
I try to picture what it would be like for some poor bastard trying to forewarn them about some of the things they might see when their away from Ma and Pa Duggar.

(Is everyone here?)
(I don't know, it was your turn to count them)

Try explaining the Jersey Shore show to the Duggar kids.

Hi everybody, this is a show called Jersey Shore.
“Oh, did that poor girl get beaten because she is a lady of the evening?”
Nope, that's Snookie and thats just her normal makeup”
“I like Sesame Street too!”
No, it's Snookie not Cookie”
“Umm..who is that?”
He is called 'the situation'.”
“Umm...why would his parents call him that?”
He gave himself that name”
“So how do you call him? Do you say 'excuse me, Mr. The Situation'?”
I don't think that anyone in Jersey ever says 'excuse me'.”
“But what do they say if they're wrong or bumps into someone?”
They never think they are wrong in Jersey and would probably beat you in front of cameras if you bumped into you.”

Minute pause

“May I go back to praying now?”

Or trying to explain the Duggars to the Jersey Shore cast.

“Who's that, a new gang?”
No, its just one family”
“Who is that guy that is always around?”
That is what they call a 'father'.”
“Hunh, but what's he doing there?”
He lives there”
“On his days with the kids...”
No, no all the time.”
“Well, what is he saying to all those kids?”
It's called 'talking' to them.”
“But I can barely hear him!”
He isn't yelling.”
“But how do they know which one he is talking to?”
He says their name and before you ask, yes he does know them all.”
“Okay, wait. What's that thing under their head?”
That would be their neck”
“Why would they leave the back of their heads exposed like that though? The father will have no problem cuffing them now.”
He doesn't hit them.”
“Ooh,lost his arms in Iraq?”
No, he just doesn't hit them”
“But then what do they bitch to their friends about in school?”
They don't go to school, they're homeschooled.”
“But where do they go to show off their abs or new D&G skirt?
They aren't allowed to show off their abs and almost all of their clothes are second hand.”
“Second hand..? Does this have something to do with their fathers arms not working?”
No, their father lives with them,his arms work, he doesn't hit them upside the head, they are homeschooled and they can't wear clothes that expose anything.”

(Is this a drinking game?)
Confused silence.

“Turn this off, I dont like these freaks who all want to be build homes and have a second hand under their clothes.”
No, no! They are schooled at home not about homes....ugh, nevermind.”

After rereading this post, am feeling bad for the poor goats so am sending them video of Debbie does Dallas to give them a clue.
Great now picturing goats in cheerleading uniforms._