Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Bambi, yodeling pickles and jail. Another average day.

....helloo?

Are you there, Internet? It's me, Moi.
I'm back! 
Everyone rejoice and sing.
It's a yodeling pickle.
It is what it is
No funny caption needed.

Normal- uh, run of the mill- um, just regular things have been happening since we last chatted. 
.

Moi-*grumble grumble* me belly is rumbling, offspring let's get some lunch
Offspring- Okay, but only if you stop talking like Fat Bastard.

Moi- But it makes me feel skinnier because people laugh, its when they narrow their eyes at me and nod that I'll stop.

OS- Where do you want to eat?

Moi- Swendy's sounds good. (See how I did that, little writers trick so no one knows what fast food joint I'm talking about. Impressive I know.)

OS- Mom, the cashier is waving you over.

Devils  Minion- Dear, what can I get you? Dear..?

OS- Mom, she's talking to you. What are you looking for back there?

Moi- Bambi

OS- What the hel-

DM- Sweetheart, what would you like?

Moi- *muttering to OS* She just called me a bitch.

OS- She called you 'sweetheart.'

Moi- You know how some people will call a giant 'Tiny' or a sumo wrestler ' Slim' or a bald man ' Goldilocks'? Well, I think everyone knows the opposite of  'sweetheart' is ' bitch'.

OS-She doesn't know you well enough to realize that yet. Oh, and about that I don't think Dad likes being called Goldilocks.
What man wouldn't want to be named after me?
I like bears, eating numerous bowls of food and naps.

Moi- HE LOVES THAT! I know 'cause every time I call him that in front of his friends he sucks in his lips  to hold back a smile and clenches his hand into a fist to keep from caressing my cheek.

OS- Yeah, you're not reading that body language right at all but just go order because you're holding up the line.

DM- Honey, you ready to order now? 

Moi- Holyshi-here, OS, hold my earrings 'cause she is asking for-

OS- -YES, we would like two hamburgers plain with bacon.

DM- What else would you like, Darlin'?

Moi- Did my ex husband send you?

DM- Excuse me?

OS- That's everything, thanks. Mom, just go try and find us an empty table.

Moi-*Jeez, they are all dirty, what kind of people work-*

Angel of Swendys- Here, let me clean off this table for you.

Moi- Why thank you. I really need to sit down and relax.

Devil in Disguise- No problem, honey bunch.

...



....

Moi-This place is awesome for lunch. We have to come back on Wednesdays 'cause I heard that's when they have fried chicken.

OS- Yeah, who knew that jail was the place to do lunch.


















Friday, 10 May 2013

Aaayup...Canadian speak for being chalk full of emotion.




Moi, you just got married!!!

Aayup.

You must have tons of things to write about in your blog??!

Aayup.

Can't wait!!!!

Aayup.

...

.....soooooo, what are you going to write about first?

...um


Yeeess??


...uhh

I know, how about  all the crazy family requests and millions of questions and wedding demands they must have?

Start of crazy family questions and demands.

Mother to Moi- What time do you want us there?
Moi to Mother- 6:30
Mother to Moi- ok

End of crazy family questions and demands.



Oh, okay. Well, then all the zillions of details you had to handle for those couple of days before the wedding.


Start of zillion of details to handle

Moi to Chinese restaurant- I'll have MooGooGuy pan, five egg rolls, Cantonese chow mein..oh, just sec.
Hey, wedding planner, florist, decorator and photographer did you want anything to eat?
No? Too busy doing everything for me? Cool.
..and some Schezwuan noodle. Hmm..no, just for one person.

End of zillion of details to handle.


Really? Well, the prep part of the day of the wedding is always so stressful. The term for Bridezilla wasn't coined as a title for Godzilla part 7.

Start of stressful wedding prep

Pick up Chai Latte, notice the Art Gallery is open,  roam around there for an hour, take a nap.

End of stressful wedding prep.
(PS Would totally see that movie by the way. Wonder what kind of dress it would wear, a-line would probably suit her shape.)
You didn't actually expect to see me in my dress before the wedding?
I'm a lady, y'all.
By the way what's your address and its not because I want to come and stomp you later.
Nopenopenope, a lady wouldn't do that.



You must have saved all the emotion for the big walk down the aisle, right..you must have gotten a little worked up at some point, didn't you? The music begins, everyone stands , looking at you with misty eyes when all you see is your groom beaming with pride as you slowly walk down the aisle.
Surely that must have made you a little bit verklempt?


Is having to pee considered an emotional response? There was definitely liquid in the old eyeballs as I had to pee so bad that my eyes were floating. 
Other people cry, I threaten the dryness of my granny panties.
Desperation at having to pee is an emotion.

Jazus chr-

Now the ceremony..

Finally, I knew somewh-

The Frenchmen's drunk buddy in the back was yelling out 'At a boy Cookie!' every two minutes. Then his other buddy was telling him to 'Shut the hell up!' in a whisper Deep Throat would have been proud of. Anger is an emotion.

That's not the kind of emo-

Then when we were saying our vows I was a little bit choked up until the justice of the peace said the line about 'for richer or poorer'. I got her to repeat that one as I didn't think we were supposed to lie in the ceremony but since I said it with a wink it should hold up in a court of law. Laughter is an emotion.
(Not that we will ever need one , my dear Frenchmen, you're my favourite husband ...so far..mmwaah)

But Moi, I meant -

It made the drunk guy stop yelling  'At a boy Cookie!'...of course then he started yelling 'RunCookieRun'. Drunken panic is an another emotion.

Moi-

OH, how about when the wedding coordinator was resewing the material over my boob as the boning (as it was only one should I say a 'boner'?)was poking me and just when she was biting the thread off with her teeth  right against the boobage material my eldest offspring walked in and promptly jumped back out again. Utter embarrassment is an emotion. 

Never mind, I give up.

Hey, people gave us lots of money as gifts so we appreciated that.
That's a normal emotion, appreciation.

Actually, it kind of is. Good for you, Moi. I think you finally realise what a wedding is all ab-

Didn't really appreciate all the paper cuts in those hard to put a band aid on it places that we got after going all bedonkadonk on top of the money though.

Good night Moi.



Thursday, 4 April 2013

Maybe I'd look good in stripes...and be known as Jingleheimerschmidts ex.

*ring.. ring*
Doobeydoobey doo♪
*ring.. ring*
♪Doobeydoo-
'Provincialcourthouse!'
Oh, hi! How are you?
'Yeah, can I help you?'
'Oh, sorry,  I was calling about getting a copy of my divorce decree as I'm getting re-married in two weeks.'
'Yeah, name?'(#1)
'Moi.'
'His name?'(#1)
'John' (It's not but it helps my story.)

'Yeah, and you're sure you are divorced?'
'I'm guessing my ex's current wife hopes so...Bwahahaha*snort*..'
.
....(tumbleweeds a blowing)

'Um, anyways, yes I'm sure as I had a copy of it before.'
'Yeah, well then why do you need another copy of it?'
Moi's inner voice- 'I'm papering my dungeon with it so 'he' will have a reminder to look at for the next 40 years.'
Moi's boring outer voice-' I lost it while moving.'

'Your name and spelling?' (#2)
'M - O- I.'
'His name and spelling?' (#2)
Moi's inner voice-'Arsehole Vonprobablyaherpescarrier.'
Moi's outer voice-  'John'

*Tapitytapitytapity*

Yeah, you sure you got married here?
Moi's IV- I think it will be my third wedding before I'm too drunk to remember the location.
Moi's OV- (Hush, IV)Yes.

 *Tapitytapitytapity*

'Yeah, you're sure it's John?'(#3)
Moi's IV- 'I'm sure because there was already another Arsehole Vonprobablyherpescarrier in town, so to avoid confusion we went with John.'
Moi's OV-'I'm sure because there was already another Ars-(stop Moi, take a breath and cool down.), yep I'm sure it's John.'

*Tapitytapitytapity*

'Yeah, what year were you divorced?'
'You know I'm unsure but I think it was either 96 or 97.'

*tapity*


'Nope, it's not 96.'
'Okaaay....?'
'So I can't find anything.'

One minute pause as I recite all the reasons why I can't go to jail for hurting this person.
1. I heard they use cheap toilitries in the 'big house', and I cant go without my leave in conditioner.
2. Doubt if they serve weight watchers meals in there.
3. SCAREY BITCHES BE ALL UP IN MY BIZNESS
4. I don't like the idea of not being able to have complete control over the remote control.

'Could you try 97?'

*Tapi-*


'What's his name again?'(#4)
'....John.'
'And your is..?'(#3)
(Jazusmarynjoseph!)
'Moi, M..O..I.'

*Tap*


'Yeah, I still can't find it on the computer, (knock knock) oh, hold just a second.'

Yeeeessss?
Are you busy? There is someone here to see you.
Nooo, I'm not doing anything
MOTHERFUCK-?
Helloooo, how are you? Have a seat I'll be with you in one second.

'Yeah, anyways I can't find anything on the computer'.
'What's the name again?'(#5)

'M....O....I.'

'And what's his name again, John was it?What's his last name again?'(# that IV takes over)
Moi's IV- 'Jingleheimerschmidt, middle name Jacob. The m in Schmidt is silent.'
Moi's OV- 'Jingleheimerschmidt, middle name Jacob. The m in Schmidt is silent.'
(We've merged in mutual hate.)

'Yeah, is 'heimerschmidt' all together or hyphenated?'

(Rethinking the spray in conditioner, would be able to make do with 2in1 shampoo/conditioner if I had to.)

'Yeah, I can't find anything here so I'll have to call you back, Toi.'
'Goodbye.'

NONO, MY NAME ISN'T-click- Toi....AAARGHHH!















Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Men's junk, Great Dane's giving birth and Rocky...new names for Ben & Jerry's? Or just my mind.

Ok
I've been away.
(Moving to the other side of the bed doesn't count as 'away', Moi)
Okay then, I've been busy.
(Watching a Great Dane give birth on line doesn't count either. (um..ewww by the way,)
*Cough, cough* I 'm just getting over a bad..
(Don't even try it, if everyone had a sample of your blood you'd probably cure the common cold.)

Anyhoo, I'm back and being a hermit hasn't stopped me from getting into stupid situations and then handling them so they turn into ever stupider situations.
You are all welcome for making you seem brilliant in comparison.
My bill will arrive in the mail in 3-10 days.


10:59 AM
Moi- Holy crow,  the snow! I have to clear out this driveway.  Geez, all the neighbours have their snow blowers out.
Pshaaw! Lazy arses.
I'm going to get rid of this pesky snow using a shovel and some good old fashioned sweat. (Obnoxious ten seconds of standing on top of snowdrift with hand on hip and waving shovel majestically in the air then reenacting Rocky top of the stairs dance.)


11:01 AM
Goddamnfreakin'whiteshit! Does it ever end? My feet are numb, is that a sign of a stroke or digerydoo disease?
NONONO,get away you stupid snow plow! If you freaking fill in the end of my driveway again, I'll...
GODDAMNIT, A POX ON YOUR FIRST BORN ASSHOLE!
(Why the third born you ask, because I'm the third born and we all know how freaking adorable I am.)

77 yr old neighbour comes over with his snow blower just after the wind retraces a shovelful of snow back onto my face.

NB - Snow, eh Moi?

Moi's inner voice- Nope, just a bad coke habit.

Moi's outer voice- MWAHAHAHAHAHAH, YEAH! (Yeah, both voices are scary in their own way.)

NB-I can come over after finishing this neighbour's driveway and blow you out if you like.

Moi's inner voice-Heheh, he said he wants to blow me...no Moi, don't start.

Moi's outer voice- WOW, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME! (Snow blower is loud plus I have 3 hats on so I'm feeling all shouty.) NICE SNOW BLOWER YOU GOT THERE.

NB- Nah, it's just a piece of junk. Us men seem to have a lot of junk, ready for anything.

Moi's inner voice- I love men's junk!  *snort*. Imagine if I said...

Moi' outer voice- I LOVE MEN'S JUNK, HAHAH...(oh,noooononononooo.) I MEANT I LOVE YOUR JUNK..(worseworseworse). NOTJUSTYOURJUNKALLMENSJUNK...( my god,someonestopmepleassse)

I'm not quite sure what happened after that, either I blacked out or I just ran into the house laughing maniacally. All I know is that I have one more neighbour in the 'pretending not to recognise me' category and my driveway has been blown. 

(Have decreed that the driveway will now be named  'Chuck' just so I can have  conversations like this with The Fiance.)

TF- What ya doin'? 

Moi- Nothing much, just watching Chuck get blown in the front yard.

TF- Sorry?

Moi-No, he doesn't look sorry. Both him and the neighbour 'Carl' look quite content.

TF- No, I meant...wait, what's going on in the front yard?

Moi- Chucks getting blown by Carl.

TF- WTF!! Moi, if you're just messing with me again...

Moi- Oops! Got to go. Carl is done with Chuck now, so have to go thank him as it takes a lot of pressure off of me. Toodles!

TF- Mooiii - click-



On the normal side of things, I'm having a couple of short stories being publishedpublishedpublishedPUBLISHED(Odd, my computer keeps wanting to repeat that word.) in an anthology titled PEI Writes Anthology 2013.

You can pick one up for 4 milllioooooon dollars (I have no idea where),  for like $10 for the book (to be given to I don't know who) and the rest as a plea for me to never write again.
If $3,999,990 isn't in my account I will take that as a sign that I am to keep writing.

Chat soon
(But there is another Great Dane due soo..)
Don't look at me, I'm not the dad. I never met that bitch, I mean I meet a lot of bitches but bitches are like... bitches, ya know.
(Besides man, she is like huge!)

 Hush...uh, chat soon.