Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Will never look at Thumper and Flipper quite the same again

Bootcamp, bootcamp,bootcamp....blahblahblah, does she talk about anything else?
Notice she doesn't have any pictures up of herself showing her results of all this bootcamping. 
I'm so moving on from this blog, it is getting kind of  bori-


I'm sorry, what was that?


Baking powder? (42 1/2 points to whoever gets that movie reference)


Okay, attention has returned. Very good class! Now we will talk about the history of the lightening bug and it's effect on the ecosystem...no? You sure? Back to the sextoys? Fine.

I am the Sammy Davis Jr of bugs.
Yeah, baby yeah
My rear end lights up, that's pretty sexy right?

Usually there is a reason to bring up sex toys at a party.
Bachelorette parties
Swingers parties
Grandma's 90th birthday party.

My reason is that I was invited to a Bachelorette party over the weekend.
(Will discuss other parties on some other post.)

My first thought when invited was:

Rowwrrr...yeah, no. There is something off here.
Hmmph, can't decide if it's the delightful socks he's wearing
Or the fact that he's about 75 that is just not doing it for me.
Yeah, it's the socks.

Yaaay, I'll get my money folded in advance and start yodeling so my throat won't give out on me mid delighted scream. Right now I'm squeezing stress balls so my hands won't cramp up when I - 

Sorry, what's that? Ha, no really.....oh, you're serious.
Ok, so there isn't going to be a stripper. 
You're going to have what instead?
There is going to be a 50 yr old lady holding up dildos and repeatedly saying the word clitoris with a lisp instead?

Yeah, that's pretty much the same.

"Hi! My name is Sex Lady"
"Hello, my name is Mel-"
"Did you know that I came four times last night because of this uber gel?"
"Hunh, that is... nice?"
"Did you know that my husband and I have multipl-"
 "Oh, excuse me my phone is ringing"
"I don't hear anything"
"My ringtone is a dog whistle so you wouldn't hear it. I better take this outside, um... you have to meet my friend Cathy, she'd love to hear that story."

Sacrifice of a friend so as not to hear anymore orgasm stories from strangers...priceless.

We are supposed to have one hand out for lispy sex lady to put lotions on that cool down or heat up nicely in the hooha region. 
Strictly told to not lick that hand.
Other hand is put out for her to put down under munchable spreads on.
"Pleassse lick away ladiessss" says lispy sex lady.
Suddenly not hungry one iota.

(Hey, did I mention how much better this is than a stripper. Yeehaaw!)

My drunk friend to my left keeps mixing up her munchable and non munchable hands and has proceeded to think that she is having allergic reactions to everything while on my right is the young one who keeps watching my reaction to see what she should be thinking.
Am very tempted to do a When Harry met Sally table moment to mess with her.

Decided have already sacrificed one friend to Ms. Munchable orgasm lady, and don't have a lot of friends left who will admit to knowing me.

Lispy labia lady has finished her speech and now is the time you're supposed to  spend $400 on various toys that I can't get past the names of  let along figure out how to use. 
I mean when dressing I regularly try to push my head through the arm hole, so imagine where I would accidentally  put some of these things.

Me at Hospital- I have a Dolphin stuck in my (fill in the blank)
Nurse- Sorry?
M- I have a Dolphin stuck in my (you know the drill) and he is not being 'a diver's best friend' right now.
Nurse- Um, but shouldn't that go in your-
M- ...that's where the wrong end of the rabbit is. Can we just deal with Thumper at another time?

Bet you wished I talked about Bootcamp?
On the plus side any time you watch Bambi you'll be giggling over everything Thumper says.
 You're welcome.
Now remember when you comment about this:


  1. Might I say, been there, done that... but you sound like you had WAY more fun than I did. ;)

  2. hahahahahehheheheahahahahahehheheheheahahhhohohohohooh! Wayne's World!

  3. This is just as funny on second reading/ hearing!