Sunday, 20 May 2012

Update on measurement nightmare...

 Half way measurements today for boot camp and so being the mature adult I am I have spent the morning avoiding them my staying under the covers and watching infomercials.

Infomercials are kind of a Sunday morning staple for me. 
I'm especially interested in the exercise infomercials,  INSANITY!!


(See it's not just me that gets all shouty after exercise!)

You see that hot girl with the wicked abs who is covered in sweat swearing that she feels great and has lost 400lbs in two months and you think 'I could be like that too.'
(Anyone notice how I keep describing all these good looking girls in my posts? I think the boy toy has been away too long or else I have to start being around some uglier girls)

Anyhoo it got me to thinking that maybe I don't look as bad as I thought during a bootcamp class. 
In a good day I think maybe I look like this

Boom! I am poetry in motion

My 18 yr old offspring glancing over my shoulder to read this tells me that I actually look like this

Jazusmotherofgod! When will this end!
Since I have actually wiped away foam, yes foam, from my mouth during a work out I have a tendency to believe the latter.

So after measurements today there is 21 1/2inches less of me to love.

Sounds like a lot but I might have accidentally bumped her elbow when she was copying down my stats and now I seem to have lost 12 inches off my arm instead of a 1/2.
Also the fact that they now know that I respond to disappointment by getting kind of stabby they might have padded the numbers a bit too.

Four weeks down and have only briefly contemplated, during a horrible burpee incident, one surprise beat down behind the building for a certain instructor. (Just because you sometimes call burpees a different name doesn't make them hurt any less, for example if I call a beat down say.... a cheese cake, still gonna hurt.)

Cheesecake anyone?

Friday, 18 May 2012

I want to know, never mind, yes I do, wait no I don't

We live in an instant satisfaction  kind of world, right?
Don't we? Hello...don't we? ANSWER ME FOR GOD SAKE!!!

See what I mean, we have absolutely no patience anymore.
But I bet you're thinking 'speak for yourself, Mel, I have oodles of patience. I have all the patience in the world, in fact...

Buuuullshit! You are such a LIAR and I'm going to drive over to your house right now and punch you in the kidney for being such a SHITTY LIAR. Do you hear that? That's the sound of ME knocking at your door bitc....

Okay, see now that was an example of anger not patience. Yes, I am seeing someone for that, a Dr. Morgan but on the weekends he must have a boat because he goes by Captain then. I think I may have to up my appointments to three times daily weekly.

The reason I bring this up is that I've now been at bootcamp for 3000 years (4 weeks) and have been going 176 hours a week (4 hrs) and we are having mid point measurements this weekend so I'm nervous.
I've been eating healthy the whole millennium (28 days) I've been exercising. I'm scared to  use the bathroom during bootcamp because with all the twigs and bark I've been eating and the friction from all of the sprints  I'm afraid I might shit out a bonfire.

Okay, now that's just silly. I would only shit out a baby bonfire. You guys...
As you may have realized from a previous post here (yeah, I have no idea how to link to other posts like normal bloggers so go look it up yourself) I kind of screwed up the initial measuring at the start of bootcamp.
I've seen those moments on Biggest Loser where they are sweating like a beast for seven days then they get on the scale and cue the crescendo music and NADA.

Nada is only good in two circumstances.

'Anymore red festering sores down there, doctor?"

'Any sign of a second line on that pregnancy test, Mr. One Night Stand?'

I'm afraid that if there is no change that A) I might hurt the poor measuring person (anger issues, see above) or B) I will just walk behind the counter at Jack's pizza and start scarfing half cooked pizza's yanked out of the oven with no care to the third degree burns or to sitting in the slammer overnight  with a mix of tomato sauce and blood all over me. (Cause I will cut you if you get in between me and my pizza)
Little bird - 'I have a shiv under this wing sucker. You're going down!

To measure or not to measure, you'll know how I did by checking the crime section in the paper.
Adios fellow little birds.

Friday, 11 May 2012

I sneezed out a tooth and other odd(my normal) thoughts this past week

Bootcamp thought - Okay Mel, push past the stroke symptoms, you are so not pissing yourself in front of these least not until the fifth week

Making dinner thought -Made rice paper spring rolls for the first time- the 11 yr old offspring says, after taking a bite, "I can't figure out what you just fed me.... yup, it's a conundrum. (Yes, she actually does talk like that)
I heard - "I figured out what you just fed me.... yup, it's a condom."
As if I would put THAT in my mouth but then for some reason if it's attached to  a sweaty hairy man with danglers...
Seriously ladies/and some men, what is wrong with us?

Computer thoughts- Discussion with fellow blogger about the possibility of pair of grizzly bears doing a Tanya Harding take down on another more famous bear which for some reason made me feel quite smart.
Poor bear was 'taken out' by mysterious drive- by days later.
Coincidentally Tanya Harding owns a couple of bears that were upstaged by Bouncy Bear.
Interesting if it were?

Random thoughts while driving -If I can sneeze out a tooth (which I did by the way) then how come men can't fart out a testicle?
You're really wanting a picture for this one, aren't you?
Me too, if you can find one that fit's this randomly weird thought please go to the comment section and entertain me.

Tha-tha- tha- that's all folks from the not quite AS porky as I used to be pig.

Friday, 4 May 2012

I need a body kleenex..

I started going to Bootcamp almost two weeks ago.
Not the military one because you can't cry at those.

I think this is the part where they talk about their feelings.

And I cry at this one.
A lot.
Not through my eyes though because they are too busy frantically looking for an exit or hoping for someone to collapse just so we can all fake concern when really we're just thrilled to stop and catch our breath.

Mostly through I cry through every other pore in my body.
You're brain just said 'that's sweat, stupid arse' didn't it? Didn't it?


Sorry. I'm hurting.

My body is weeping, like the ugly man boohooing kind of weeping.
Okay, he's not so ugly but goddamn it! I'm in pain and this is my pain reliever

My body really doesn't like what I'm doing to it for the past two weeks.
I have to trick it to get to Bootcamp.

Brain to Gut- Let's go visiting!

Gut to Brains- Sweet! Where are we going? To see Ms. Couch...hmm,ya know she seems to kind of let herself go lately, saggy and lumpy in places. How about Mr. Bed? We can just lay down and chat for hours and hours-

B to G- Well, actually I thought we could go out for ice cream.

G to B- Right on! I'm so getting a banana split with maybe some extra chocolate fud-

B to G- Sure, sure but first we have to just drop something off to a friend first.

G to B- Whatever, so extra chocolate fuuuudge and nuts with like ten cherri...

B to G- Here we are!


B to G - Look it's your love for chocolate fudge and the like that got us like this so we're staying.

B to G- Gut?


B to G- Gut, gut, GUT! Whose in charge here?


Five minutes later
G to B- I' get....oh,god...fries...with that....banana split.

B to G- Uh yeah. about that....