I want to know, never mind, yes I do, wait no I don't

We live in an instant satisfaction  kind of world, right?
Don't we? Hello...don't we? ANSWER ME FOR GOD SAKE!!!

See what I mean, we have absolutely no patience anymore.
But I bet you're thinking 'speak for yourself, Mel, I have oodles of patience. I have all the patience in the world, in fact...

Buuuullshit! You are such a LIAR and I'm going to drive over to your house right now and punch you in the kidney for being such a SHITTY LIAR. Do you hear that? That's the sound of ME knocking at your door bitc....

Okay, see now that was an example of anger not patience. Yes, I am seeing someone for that, a Dr. Morgan but on the weekends he must have a boat because he goes by Captain then. I think I may have to up my appointments to three times daily weekly.

The reason I bring this up is that I've now been at bootcamp for 3000 years (4 weeks) and have been going 176 hours a week (4 hrs) and we are having mid point measurements this weekend so I'm nervous.
I've been eating healthy the whole millennium (28 days) I've been exercising. I'm scared to  use the bathroom during bootcamp because with all the twigs and bark I've been eating and the friction from all of the sprints  I'm afraid I might shit out a bonfire.

Okay, now that's just silly. I would only shit out a baby bonfire. You guys...

As you may have realized from a previous post here (yeah, I have no idea how to link to other posts like normal bloggers so go look it up yourself) I kind of screwed up the initial measuring at the start of bootcamp.

I've seen those moments on Biggest Loser where they are sweating like a beast for seven days then they get on the scale and cue the crescendo music and NADA.

Nada is only good in two circumstances.

'Anymore red festering sores down there, doctor?"

Nada

'Any sign of a second line on that pregnancy test, Mr. One Night Stand?'

Nada

I'm afraid that if there is no change that A) I might hurt the poor measuring person (anger issues, see above) or B) I will just walk behind the counter at Jack's pizza and start scarfing half cooked pizza's yanked out of the oven with no care to the third degree burns or to sitting in the slammer overnight  with a mix of tomato sauce and blood all over me. (Cause I will cut you if you get in between me and my pizza)

Little bird - 'I have a shiv under this wing sucker. You're going down!

To measure or not to measure, you'll know how I did by checking the crime section in the paper.

Adios fellow little birds.