Saturday, 9 June 2012

Jumping out of a plane and a new asshole all in one day.

I have discovered that I might just have some English blood flowing through me.
Either that or I might have sat on a pointy vertical stick at some point in time.

Neither being very appealing.

The reason I bring this up is that I did something out of the ordinary last week.

I jumped out of a plane.


Yeah, I stated that pretty calmly didn't I?
Which doesn't make much sense to those that know me.
I am a pretty emotional chica.

I get all shouty after the adrenaline of  bootcamp.
I get mega shouty  after the joy of eating french macaroons.
Hell, I used to get all shouty in high school when my period would finally come.( Woohoo! Dodged another bullet!)

But back to my absurd calmness. It started with a simple dinner.
I was visiting the hubby's, aka the frenchmen's, family in Vancouver Island.
I was sitting with my brother and nephew in law who are SARTECHS, which is a short term for Search and Rescue.

They were talking about their weekend doing instructional parachute jumps for first timers.

I of course immediately thought of what it would feel like to have these guys dropping out of an airplane in their bright orange jumpsuits to rescue me.

    (See what I mean about being all shouty?)

'Um, miss. You have a blister on your foot and last time I checked butterflies aren't maneaters. You really can't keep calling us whenever you get lost in the parking lot mall anymore.'

Um, I beg to differ

Anyhoo, we were sitting at the dining room table when they started begging me and the offspring to join them at the drop zone (That's where skydivers hope to arrive all in one piece, including bladder intact) that weekend.
I being the brave creature I am said 'yeah,whatever...nothing else going on'.
Then I took off my unicorn horn and floated gently through the ceiling...

Ehm, back to reality
 I overheard them talking about taking a bachelor party out for lessons and immediately thought 'Drunk men plummeting to earth one after the other, this will be like a human version of the WKRP turkey fiasco!  I have to be there to see this!
So did I bud, so did I...

So a plan was arranged.

Later I shot out of bed in the middle of the night frantically shaking the frenchmen awake.
'Did I just agree to the offspring and I jumping out of a plane today?'
'Did I also plan to seek out Ryan Gosling's house and slip in via the attic window?'
'Uh, no'
'Damn it, just checking.'

Fast foward to me (Seriously, am thinking the Muffin Man in the sky accidentally leaned on the fast forward button 'cause I don't remember anything from waking to 6 pm) and the 18 yr old offspring (OS) sitting on top of two men in a 3 * 5 plane. I realize that sounds kind of creepy but that's because...well, it is.

(Note: This is also the day that the news was full of the 80 yr old woman that was skydiving almost fell out of her harness.)

OS was behind me so I couldn't see or hear him but I was told later that he didn't say boo.
I on the other hand, as we were flying up to heights only birds and sherpas should go too, couldn't shut my mouth.

'Oh, that's a lovely view. Where perchance would that be?'
'Oh my, this plane has a lot of stickers in it. What would your favorite one be?'
'When did you know you wanted to do this for a living?

Those were the sentences coming out of my mouth, as if I was having tea with the queen instead of in a deathtrap rattling around at over ten thousand feet.
My inner voice was saying something else entirely.


What came out was 'I'm feeling peckish, wouldn't a french macaroon be good right now?'

Go figure.

Time to jump arrives and I'm watching my OS being leaned out of the plane, He was asked if there was any last thing he wanted to say.
(Instills confidence doesn't it?)
'Yes, just one thing.'
He looks at me and I'm starting to well up wondering what I should say in response to his definite sweet final words to his loving mother.
'So what should I do with my mouth, cause if I keep it open any bug will tear me a new asshole in the back of my throat.'
I felt no qualms in my last words to him being
'Shut your mouth, boy'.

I laughed the whole way down.

I have figured out that with offspring like mine every day is like a freefall skydive.
Crazy and exhilerating but don't forget to close your mouth though 'cause no one needs a second asshole!


  1. AWESOME!! OMG I'm so jealous--I've been meaning to jump out of a perfectly good airplane... so fun, Mel, love it :)

  2. Highly recommend it! I won't go on a roller coaster but for some reason this didn't bother me.