I want to know, never mind, yes I do, wait no I don't

We live in an instant satisfaction  kind of world, right?
Don't we? Hello...don't we? ANSWER ME FOR GOD SAKE!!!

See what I mean, we have absolutely no patience anymore.
But I bet you're thinking 'speak for yourself, Mel, I have oodles of patience. I have all the patience in the world, in fact...

Buuuullshit! You are such a LIAR and I'm going to drive over to your house right now and punch you in the kidney for being such a SHITTY LIAR. Do you hear that? That's the sound of ME knocking at your door bitc....

Okay, see now that was an example of anger not patience. Yes, I am seeing someone for that, a Dr. Morgan but on the weekends he must have a boat because he goes by Captain then. I think I may have to up my appointments to three times daily weekly.

The reason I bring this up is that I've now been at bootcamp for 3000 years (4 weeks) and have been going 176 hours a week (4 hrs) and we are having mid point measurements this weekend so I'm nervous.
I've been eating healthy the whole millennium (28 days) I've been exercising. I'm scared to  use the bathroom during bootcamp because with all the twigs and bark I've been eating and the friction from all of the sprints  I'm afraid I might shit out a bonfire.

Okay, now that's just silly. I would only shit out a baby bonfire. You guys...

As you may have realized from a previous post here (yeah, I have no idea how to link to other posts like normal bloggers so go look it up yourself) I kind of screwed up the initial measuring at the start of bootcamp.

I've seen those moments on Biggest Loser where they are sweating like a beast for seven days then they get on the scale and cue the crescendo music and NADA.

Nada is only good in two circumstances.

'Anymore red festering sores down there, doctor?"

Nada

'Any sign of a second line on that pregnancy test, Mr. One Night Stand?'

Nada

I'm afraid that if there is no change that A) I might hurt the poor measuring person (anger issues, see above) or B) I will just walk behind the counter at Jack's pizza and start scarfing half cooked pizza's yanked out of the oven with no care to the third degree burns or to sitting in the slammer overnight  with a mix of tomato sauce and blood all over me. (Cause I will cut you if you get in between me and my pizza)

Little bird - 'I have a shiv under this wing sucker. You're going down!

To measure or not to measure, you'll know how I did by checking the crime section in the paper.

Adios fellow little birds.

I sneezed out a tooth and other odd(my normal) thoughts this past week

Bootcamp thought - Okay Mel, push past the stroke symptoms, you are so not pissing yourself in front of these people...at least not until the fifth week

Making dinner thought -Made rice paper spring rolls for the first time- the 11 yr old offspring says, after taking a bite, "I can't figure out what you just fed me.... yup, it's a conundrum. (Yes, she actually does talk like that)
I heard - "I figured out what you just fed me.... yup, it's a condom."

As if I would put THAT in my mouth but then for some reason if it's attached to  a sweaty hairy man with danglers...
Seriously ladies/and some men, what is wrong with us?

Computer thoughts- Discussion with fellow blogger about the possibility of pair of grizzly bears doing a Tanya Harding take down on another more famous bear which for some reason made me feel quite smart.

Poor bear was 'taken out' by mysterious drive- by days later.
True?
Yes
Coincidentally Tanya Harding owns a couple of bears that were upstaged by Bouncy Bear.
True?
No
Interesting if it were?
 HELL YEAH! 

Random thoughts while driving -If I can sneeze out a tooth (which I did by the way) then how come men can't fart out a testicle?
You're really wanting a picture for this one, aren't you?
Me too, if you can find one that fit's this randomly weird thought please go to the comment section and entertain me.

Tha-tha- tha- that's all folks from the not quite AS porky as I used to be pig.

I need a body kleenex..

I started going to Bootcamp almost two weeks ago.
Not the military one because you can't cry at those.

I think this is the part where they talk about their feelings.

And I cry at this one.
A lot.
Not through my eyes though because they are too busy frantically looking for an exit or hoping for someone to collapse just so we can all fake concern when really we're just thrilled to stop and catch our breath.

Mostly through I cry through every other pore in my body.
You're brain just said 'that's sweat, stupid arse' didn't it? Didn't it?

DONT LIE TO ME!


Sorry. I'm hurting.




My body is weeping, like the ugly man boohooing kind of weeping.

Okay, he's not so ugly but goddamn it! I'm in pain and this is my pain reliever
.

My body really doesn't like what I'm doing to it for the past two weeks.
I have to trick it to get to Bootcamp.

Brain to Gut- Let's go visiting!

Gut to Brains- Sweet! Where are we going? To see Ms. Couch...hmm,ya know she seems to kind of let herself go lately, saggy and lumpy in places. How about Mr. Bed? We can just lay down and chat for hours and hours-

B to G- Well, actually I thought we could go out for ice cream.

G to B- Right on! I'm so getting a banana split with maybe some extra chocolate fud-

B to G- Sure, sure but first we have to just drop something off to a friend first.

G to B- Whatever, so extra chocolate fuuuudge and nuts with like ten cherri...

B to G- Here we are!

G to B- WHATTHEFUCKISTHIS?

B to G - Look it's your love for chocolate fudge and the like that got us like this so we're staying.
G to B - NOFRICKINWAYYOUMEANSONOFA-

B to G- Gut?

G to B- BITCH.YOUCANTMAKEME-

B to G- Gut, gut, GUT! Whose in charge here?

G to B- GODDAMNIT!

Five minutes later
G to B- I'm...so...going...to get....oh,god...fries...with that....banana split.

B to G- Uh yeah. about that....

Seeing a lot of sitting and laying down in future...

My 18 year old offspring is getting ready to send out his resume for a summer job to help pay for his second year of university.


That sentence above should make any master mother happy right? 


University- woohoo
Job- woohoo squared


But yet I still hold off on the naked jiggly dance around the camp fire.
(Look we all have our ways to express happiness, that just happens to be mine so don't judge!)
Why, you ask, do I hold off ? Just a feeling I have.
(I know you're actually asking for a video of naked jiggly dance but that ain't gonna happen so follow along.)

You're thinking I look like this

Yup, that's more like it.

So I decided to have a quick glance at this piece of paper that is supposed to inspire employers to hire him.




Work Experience


Employed by Town of Stratford  2011 Summer Employment
(Okay sounds good so far, right?)


Title - none
(Hmm, well just a minor change there)


(This is where it gets good)
Job details - Lots of standing up and down....




After I laid down for an hour wondering what you wear to a  graduation from Smartass college where he will be valedictorian at the rate he is going,  I went to chat with him about his resume.


M- Read your resume
OS- Mmph
M- Did you happen to reread it?
OS- Yeah it looks good.
M- Really? Do you reeeally think so?
OS- It all fit on one page didn't it?
M- Last time I checked that wasn't a prerequisite for a good resume.
OS- You should check again then shouldn't you?
M- You can't put "Lots of standing up and down" as a job description! 
OS- But that's what I did.
M- You groomed walking trails and parks and painted buildings.
OS- Which involved mostly standing.   up.   and   down.
M- But ..
OS- Mom, would you hire someone if they lied to you at first meeting?
M- No, but..
OS- Thank you. 
End of conversation.


I'm not even going to end this post as I'm busy doing lot's of sitting and laying down.
Don't judge, it seems to be a  popular job description.
Welcome to your future caretakers Generation X!

Pretty sure I woke up to the cat in my ear saying 'Don't move, trust me it will hurt!' Sadly enough the cat talking to me wasn't the scary part.

I signed up for Bootcamp last weekend and for some reason I was very excited.  
I arrived at sign up day like the first day of high school. 
But first I spent an hour getting ready to make myself look like I've spent no time at all getting ready.
Then I arrived a couple of minutes early but parked far away so no one knows that I'm a big loser who has nothing else to do. 
Then I started to  rethink that strategy while hiding in my car eating the piece of Mars bar I found under the seat, 'Maybe I should rush in like "I have WAY better things to do with my uber importante- 


(For some reason when I lie, I start pulling every word in a different language into the conversation, you have now seen 50% of them)


- time than this but I'm here now so let's get this show on the road!"
Hmm, they might figure out I'm fibbing a bit as I have forgotten to take off my Elmo slippers. Dang it!

"Are you here to sign up for Bootcamp?', asks a perfectly lovely girl.

"No, I'm just looking. Do you have ankle boots in a size 8.5?', says nervous smart arse girl.

Deafening silence

 (Turns out you lose your sense of humor when you are a size 2, may have to rethink this.)

'Just fill out this 2 page form and make sure to fill out everything'

Inner brain -Duh, I'm not 6 lady, I've filled out forms before.

After having been passed back said form 4 times to fill out missed questions have decided to quiet inner snarky brain.

'Okay, now we are going to take your measurements.'

Now I know these are the 'before' measurements and anyone with a normal brain would let it all 'hang out' ala Jabba the Hut when getting this done.

Note I said 'normal'.

Eek! She touched my stomach, SUCK IN!

Eek! She touched my butt, CLENCH!

Eek! She touched my thigh...hey, that kind of feels goo.. anyhoo, measuring done.

Likewise with the before picture.

I was all Jessica Rabbiting the modeling shoot.

'Um Miss, excuse me? We just want one profile shot, so you can take your leg off of Mr. Zakem as he's our janitor and not our male model.'

So aside from that I went home to get ready for the actual first work out the next day.

Woohoo, ready to wow everyone with my inner cardio Goddess!~

Mel at Bootcamp 

Inner brain talking - Holy crap, can't believe I did it. I'm sweating like a pig, kind of feel nauseous but I did it! Now where's my water bottle and outdoor shoe...wait, the dictator/instructor is saying something

"Okay, so you've all picked out your spots so let's start the warm up!"

Inner brain again- Yes, moron, walking from the door to the other side of the room to set down your water bottle does not constitute a work out.

I might be in trouble.

I like relationships...as long as it doesn't involve marriage, living together all the time, talking a lot, doing things toge....ok, you get me.

Background story on me.
I was married before in my early twenties.

Shocking! That never happens! Inform the pope!Call the media!!


Aah shaddup!




I was married for exactly one month per every hundred I spent on my wedding dress.


($1800 for you noseybots who just have to know everything.)


I kind of knew it wouldn't last right from the start of the wedding.  No that's not a misprint, I knew waiting at the back of the church when I got pissed off when that damn organ music interrupted a funny story I was telling my maid of honor. 


Also three other things that day kind of tipped me off.


1)When I winked at a cute guy on my way down the aisle


2)Then when I told my hubby to 'relax, stop being so emotional' during his speech at the reception.
.
3)And finally when I asked my bridesmaids if they wanted to go out to the bars after the party..um, reception.




I kind of knew I wasn't the type to get married since I was little.


I was never wanted to be a princess, I never watched the Disney movies where princesses met Mr. Wonderful and lived happily ever after.


I think of Snow White now and all I can think is 'Ditch the wanker in the snooty outfit, sweetheart. You have seven men at the perfect height for some menage et huit back in the woods'.


I am just not the normal traditional relationship kind of gal.


I've now been engaged for over 8 years now, and the only reason I am is that the frenchmen came to my work and dropped to his knee in front of all my coworkers.


"Mel, will you marry me?"from the frenchmen .


'Oooohhhh' from the collectively teary coworkers.


'Fuuuuuucking bastaaaard!!' from the inside of my brain.


I could have said only two things at that moment.
1) Uh, No! 
2) Whatever


Picture this.


I'm surrounded by my middle aged coworkers (myself included in that age) who have all been married for numerous years and so their hubbies are probably not hitting high up on the romantic meter anymore, so they are lapping this up like dogs to antifreeze.
(I'm not calling you dogs, ladies, you're beeyootiful!)
They're looking at me with their hands over their mouths ready to shriek with joy awaiting my response.


What do I do? 


Say 'Uh, No!' then watch him struggle to get up off his knees, and shuffle off in shock and then endure the looks and whispers at work for the rest of my days there.


So I said, Whatever...
Then while he hugged me I gave him a sharp punch in the kidneys just to let him know how incredibly 'happy' I was that he had done that.


To this day the girls at work always bring up that the frenchmen was so happy that day that he was actually weak at the knees.
He and I always smile knowing just a little bit differently...


We each have a little momento from that 'happy' day
I am now stuck wearing this  gold ring forever.
He is stuck having to pee a little bit longer forever.

Remember that saying 'With knowledge comes power', then how do you account for Jersey Shore?

I've never actually seen Jersey Shore...

I've also never seen goat porn but am guessing I wouldn't pick either for t.v night.

(I don't think we are doing this right, do you?)

I have seen the Duggars in action and kind of view them like I'd view E.T.


Cute on t.v. but I'd probably pee myself if any of them showed up at my door.

(Hmm, nice and chunky..he'd be good in a stew)

The Duggars seem to pride themselves on their children's innocence but I wonder how they'd fare when their out on their own.
I try to picture what it would be like for some poor bastard trying to forewarn them about some of the things they might see when their away from Ma and Pa Duggar.

(Is everyone here?)
(I don't know, it was your turn to count them)

Try explaining the Jersey Shore show to the Duggar kids.

Hi everybody, this is a show called Jersey Shore.

“Oh, did that poor girl get beaten because she is a lady of the evening?”

“Nope, that's Snookie and thats just her normal makeup”

“I like Sesame Street too!”

“No, it's Snookie not Cookie”

“Umm..who is that?”

“He is called 'the situation'.”

“Umm...why would his parents call him that?”

“He gave himself that name”

“So how do you call him? Do you say 'excuse me, Mr. The Situation'?”

“ I don't think that anyone in Jersey ever says 'excuse me'.”

“But what do they say if they're wrong or bumps into someone?”

“They never think they are wrong in Jersey and would probably beat you in front of cameras if you bumped into you.”

Minute pause

“May I go back to praying now?”

Or trying to explain the Duggars to the Jersey Shore cast.

“Who's that, a new gang?”

“No, its just one family”

“Who is that guy that is always around?”

“That is what they call a 'father'.”

“Hunh, but what's he doing there?”

“He lives there”

“On his days with the kids...”

“No, no all the time.”

“Well, what is he saying to all those kids?”

“It's called 'talking' to them.”

“But I can barely hear him!”

“He isn't yelling.”

“But how do they know which one he is talking to?”

“He says their name and before you ask, yes he does know them all.”

“Okay, wait. What's that thing under their head?”

“That would be their neck”

“Why would they leave the back of their heads exposed like that though? The father will have no problem cuffing them now.”

“He doesn't hit them.”

“Ooh,lost his arms in Iraq?”

“No, he just doesn't hit them”

“But then what do they bitch to their friends about in school?”

“They don't go to school, they're homeschooled.”

“But where do they go to show off their abs or new D&G skirt?

“They aren't allowed to show off their abs and almost all of their clothes are second hand.”

“Second hand..? Does this have something to do with their fathers arms not working?”

“No, their father lives with them,his arms work, he doesn't hit them upside the head, they are homeschooled and they can't wear clothes that expose anything.”

(Is this a drinking game?)

Confused silence.

“Turn this off, I dont like these freaks who all want to be build homes and have a second hand under their clothes.”

“No, no! They are schooled at home not about homes....ugh, nevermind.”

After rereading this post, am feeling bad for the poor goats so am sending them video of Debbie does Dallas to give them a clue.

Great now picturing goats in cheerleading uniforms._

"